I used to be proud that I could control my dreams. That is to say, if I was dreaming and did not like the subject, I could change it to something I did like. A dream with impending doom would change to a trip to the beach or fishing or something- it would still be odd and “dreamlike”, but I never really had nightmare since I was a kid.

So, I thought I could use this skill (and some other techniques I learned in college) to program myself to dream about Bobbi after she died. It never really worked. I dreamed about her a few times right after she died, and then nothing for two years. The closest I came to it was just before my brain surgery when my Dad appeared in a dream and explained to me that Bobbi was not comfortable appearing to me since I was in a relationship with someone- she didn’t want to confuse me. This made a lot of sense to me and I thanked my dad and immediately woke up and screamed “Dad!!!!!”. I hadn’t dreamed about my dad except for one time since he died, and that had been years ago. I woke up and yelled “Dad, come back!!!”. LOL- so much for my power over my dreams.

So I was quite resigned to never dreaming of Bobbi again, especially since I got married again last month. Now, to the casual observer there couldn’t be two women less alike than Nadia and Bobbi. Nadia is six inches taller, Lebanese, a brunette, etc…. but two me, they could not be more alike where it matters most to me- the love me with the heat of a nova. They are crazy wild in love with me, fiercely in love, like a lioness. To me, where it matters most, they could not be more alike. When we first met it was much the same- I knew within 15 minutes I wanted to be with this woman forever. It seems lightning does strike twice, thank God.

So I was quite shocked to dream of Bobbi last week. We were at a powwow (as we had been dozens of times over the years). She was helping me with my artwork, and I was chattering away. Later we walked to a restaurant filled with Boy Scout volunteers who all seemed to know us (though they seemed familiar to me, I did not know them). The oddness started when I introduced Bobbi not as my wife, but as my assistant Scoutmaster. I tried to call her my wife but I couldn’t. I got confused and thought we must have been divorced. interestingly, throughout the dream, I didn’t hear Bobbi speak except for feelings inside my head.

I hugged and kissed her and said to her “I don’t know why we stopped being married” as if I was trying to remember why were not together any more. That’s when Nadia walked into the room. Nadia was lit up, like she was illuminated from within. She shimmered, and I couldn’t take my eyes off her. Bobbi just smiled, and took me by the hand and turned me to face Nadia. Then she hugged me again and told me (in my head) to go to my wife, which I did. As Nadia and I embraced Bobbi lit up the room from behind me, like a thousand flashbulbs going off, and disappeared. As Nadia and I kissed I woke up with a sense of peace, and I wept grateful tears for the blessing of having the two most loving wives on the planet.

And so I’ve begun what I call the “final exorcism”- going through old files, old paperwork, check registers, old business papers and bills of Bobbi’s and finally, at last, getting rid of them all. Old KidZone records, papers from DreamCatcher- things like that, they are all going into the circular file. I have it seems, moved on for real. I have been given what Pat Conroy wished for in his book THE PRINCE OF TIDES when his character wished that each man was granted two lives. I have begun my new live. Bobbi will always be one of the best parts of my heart, and now another amazing woman has taught me to love again.

I don’t know what the future holds, except for the knowledge that the same night awaits us all. In the meantime, I have a beautiful daughter, amazing grandchildren, a wonderful family, and a wife better than I could ever dare to hope for…again.

Thank you Bobbi. Thank you all. Thank you Nadia. Thank you God.

Tomorrow will be June 27th- Bobbi’s Birthday. My birthday (and Kira’s) was yesterday. Today we will celebrate Kira’s and mine at Kim’s house. Except for “Skype” I haven’t seen my dearest ones in over three weeks, and I can’t think of a better birthday present….. well, only one thing could make it batter, but I must find the will and the means to channel that desire into a desire to make all of our tomorrows better.

I had 8,933 days of marriage with Bobby Lynn Livengood. She gave me everything I hold most precious in the world. My family is more precious to me than I can even comprehend. That is Bobbi’s gift to me. Even the love which in my heart feels planet sized is I know a fraction of what that amazing woman was capable of feeling and giving.

And so this is, as far as I know, the last entry into this blog. It is time to focus on the living, as she would have wanted, as she in fact asked me to do. So I now wish you, my dearest darling love, my best friend, my soul mate a very happy birthday. I have at least found the courage to move on, my love. It’s not like I’m leaving you behind, because you will always be here, inside me. You’ve been carrying me long enough.

I will strive to see the world through your eyes, strive to see the best in everyone I know and meet as you did. I will try to keep earning my place in your greatest gift of love to me- our family. I go to them now, but I suspect you know that. I love you.

Hello all. The family, most of it, got together in

Bobbi's mom reads some very moving words to Hally and Brian.

Charlotte for the marriage of Bobbi’s sister Sarah’s oldest daughter Hally. Hally married Brian who I was delighted to learn she had been dating since they all lived in Rochester, NY. She has grown into a lovely woman, and he is just the greatest guy. We are all so happy for them. It was just the most wonderful weekend- all of it.

There was a time when it would have been very hard for me to be with my Livengood family. I am that human. Each of them- when I looked into their eyes I saw Bobbi, and that just reminded me of my loss. I could hardly bear to be around them, but there was comfort too, in being with the people on the planet who most share my sense of loss. Perhaps it was hard to be around me, too, for similar reasons. Still, over time, I began to have an epiphany of sorts. They did and still do remind me of Bobbi, but I came to realize that Bobbi also reminded me of them. What made me love Bobbi, those fine qualities, they are things all of her brothers and sisters and parents (of course) share. All that is and was very best about Bobbi is still the very best about each of them. Gale’s vision and sense of fun, Donna’s nurturing and capacity to care deeply, Matt’s friendliness and indefatigable good humor, Sarah’s bravery and grace, Greg’s unflinching loyalty, Jills happy spirit and sense of fair play, and Chris’s compassion and ability to put love into action- these are traits they all share, as did their sister, as do their children, as does Kim. I hope to share them also. Certainly I do not lack for role models. Maybe when I am older ;-)

Ethan, Kira, Kim and Bobbi's sister Sarah (the mother of the bride).

 They are all wonderful people, and I am very proud to call them my family. Such a deal fall in love with one, get nine in the bargain! So I am free to love them for who they are in their own right, and not just because of Bobbi. Thank you, Bobbi, your gifts continue to honor and bless me my darling.

So I no longer dread these reunions, I am eager for them! It may be this was the happiest weekend of my life. What a joy to think more good times are to come!

Kira and Kim and Etahn and I... This smile is not forced, it was maybe the happiest weekend I can remember.

 I can now rejoice in the belief that what we love best about a person never dies- it lives on, if nowhere else than in our own heart. Bobbi not only made our own lives better with her love, but she was also blessed by all who loved and still love her. I remember my mom fussing at me when I would complain about someone and say “we dislike in others what we see in ourselves”. I think on this often, and I now think this- we like in others what we see (or would like to see) in ourselves. I think it’s how we choose our friends, and perhaps how love finds us. In my favorite song, To Raise The Morning Star the writer Bruce Cockburn says “dovetailing strong points with the things we lack“, and I am reminded of the Irish proverb that says “It is in the shelter of each other that the people live“.

Grief is like PTSD- I’ve had to learn to remember Bobbi without reliving the horror of her illness and loss. Some things are very hard to let go of, and so my walk with Bobbi in this world is at an end. That is to say, she will always be in my heart but I feel as if I can at last move on. There will be sad times, for sure, but they too will pass. My walk continues- for how long who can say? It was my Karma to love this woman, and to become (I hope) a better person for it. My life will be better because of Bobbi, and hopefully the lives I touch will be better too. The same night awaits us all, but my night is not here yet. The old ones say “this time was good, next time will be better” and I believe that now, again.  I’ve been idle far too long. It’s time for me to move on.

Godspeed, Bobbi Lynn. I love you.

TO RAISE THE MORNING STAR by Bruce Cockburn

Rising like lightspill from this sleeping town
Like the light in a lover’s eyes
Rising from the hearts of the sleepers all around
All those dreamers trying to light the sky

Burning — all night long
Burning — at the gates of dawn
Singing — near and far
Singing — to raise the morning star

Rising like lightning in the pregnant air
It’s electric — I can feel its might
I can feel it crackling in my nails and hair –
Makes me feel like i’m dancing on feet of light

Burning — all night long
Burning — at the gates of dawn
Singing — near and far
Singing — to raise the morning star

Singing for the yellow and the brown and the black
For the red and the white people, too
Dovetailing strong points with the things we lack
Singing for the people like me and you

Burning — all night long
Burning — at the gates of dawn
Singing — near and far
Singing — to raise the morning star

I’ve had a revelation of sorts. I was reflecting on my bike ride, Historical Grief and Trauma, “Victimhood” and other things….including traditional Cherokee Indian teachings. Much of it is as a result of my own personal search to understand why I was so compelled to participate in e 1,000 mile cross-country bike ride. Let’s face it- I ain’t Lance Armstrong. I’m barely Lance Crackers. Still, something about this ride appealed to me so much that I knew, to the core of my being, I must go “on the ride”.

Why was that? What’s up with me? So, I was lying on the couch last night- Bobbi’s couch, thinking about when I was diagnosed as being diabetic after years of being borderline. It was my own damned fault. I knew if I didn’t take my health seriously things would get worse (and they did). It was nice to have the excuse of historical Grief and Trauma instead of taking responsibility for my own life. It really wasn’t until Ethan was born that I realized I might not be around to watch him grow up if I didn’t act. So I acted. I acted half-heartedly at first. I stopped making repeated trips to the buffet. I still got quite a load on the first pass, but you have to start somewhere, right? I started working out on occasion. I even stopped (mostly) eating fast food. The Bobbi got sick.

So maybe Bobbi saved my life again. That was at least three times, by my reckoning. The first of course when we got married. The second time was when my dad died. That was a pretty dark time, not helped by the fact that I had moved out of our house. A smart lawyer would have filed my divorce papers, but a friend and lawyer (mine) refused. He absolutely refused to let me make that mistake…..then my dad died and Bobbi was there. I remembered why I had fallen in love with her in the first place, and of course I fell in love with her all over again. Then she had a head-on collision and I though we’d lost her. That really brought it home. This is the woman I wanted (God help her).

So when Bobbi got sick, I was still too fat to take care of her, so I really got serious. She then saved my life again. I wish she was here to see the changes….,maybe she is and I lack the vision to see her. Now I’m going on a 1,000 mile bike ride.

Anyway, this was all running through my head last night when it hit me- I am not a captive of ghosts. You see, when you really take responsibility for your own life (as I would like to) you don’t get to blame anyone or anything anymore. I can’t blame Columbus or the white people, or Andrew Jackson, or Fast Food- that would make me a victim and I’m tired of being one of those. Recognising Grief and Trauma doesn’t mean I need to keep submitting to it. Yes- it’s sad all of that happened- sad they took the land, especially when we gave most of it to them anyway, sad we (Cherokees) did everything asked of us- become Christians, where civilized clothes, go to school, speak English- we did everything the told us we needed to do and they still marched us at bayonet point to Oklahoma, it’s sad we lost much or our culture and lands and so many people died….. but we didn’t all die and we didn’t lose it all. In fact, not only are “we” still here, we are thriving. Not only was I obese and diabetic, but I’m neither of those now. Yes- Bobbi died, no matter how hard I tried to save her and that’s tragic, but only if you don’t see the whole picture.

The whole picture is that we had each other for so long. Nearly 25 years. Tragic would have been if we’d missed it, or if my lawyer wasn’t also my friend and had let me do the stupidest thing I’d have ever done (and that’s saying something). She had the time she was allotted, and most of my life was spent with her…certainly the best part of my life. I’ve been really stupid. I’ve forgotten to spend most of my time giving thanks for the time we did share together, and for that amazing creature, so much an angel that everyone she touched feels her loss terribly. However- if we (meaning me) give into that sense of loss we betray her and deny her the honor of what she did mean to us and the legacy she leaves behind. We are still here. Those of us who loved and still love Bobbi are still here. What will we do with the time we have that remains us? The Cherokees are still here. Tens of thousands (we think maybe millions) have died, but we have endured. What will we do with the time we have that remains us? As for myself- I’m going bike riding.

So, that’s a way long way of saying this- I was not a prisoner of ghosts- in fact I was holding the ghosts hostage and maybe using them as an excuse not to move forward. That’s what the “old ones” teach us- when someone dies you mourn for three days, then you move on. It’s hard, but it’s unfair to keep calling them back with our thoughts from that better world to which they have moved onto. I’m sorry honey, I was weak, but I’m getting stronger. It’s on me now. In fact, it always has been.

What will we do with the time we have that remains us?  I’ll keep you posted.

…it gets you. Today was such a time.

It’s a little odd. I know I must move on. I know she would want me to. It’s even occurred to me that, from a certain point of view, her death was the best possible outcome. I know that’s sick, but let me explain. I think it’s pretty obvious to many people how much I loved and still love that woman, and I am not a man without “capacities”. Still, my ability to love is a pathetic thing next to her’s. She was all that is good about love- compasion, tollerance, empathy, forgiveness, all the noble things I struggle with came so easily to her. Even now I stand in awe of her love. I can even accept that in a lifetime such a love may only happen once, and I accept that gladly for I have truly known such a love. It was mine. So, we know, at least I do, that her love for me was orders of magnitude greater than even my own for her. It is staggering.

And so, were I to have been the one to die, what would she have felt then? Would her anguish be greater than my own? Even if not, if her wisdom could mitigate that sorrow some how, I would still have be the cause of her suffering. It is the way of the world- someone always goes first. What did I expect? Well, I did hope for a little more time…. But this way she saw me, weak and flawed as I was (and am) do all within my power to care for her. I promised her I would never leave her, and she saw me keep that promise. I hope it helped that her daughter saw a man stay with her no matter what until the end. I almost called it the “bitter end”, but somehow that could never apply to Bobbi. Anyawy, I fear if she had lost me after loosing her father I don’t know how she could have born that. Of course she could, because she was so strong, but there would have been pain (because her love was so great).

So you see, this was the best outcome. I don’t mean it was prefferable to us growing senile together on a beach in the Bahamas, just that it was prefferable to me leaving her alone. Gos knows, I’d walk into a furnace to make her whole and well, and walk into it gladly.  I’m not the kind of person who gets to walk between the raindrops. My toast lands butter side down sometimes. Still, I was loved by the most amazing woman.

Anyway, these were just some of the thoughts I’d had recently. Another thought was I really need to change my way of living. Part of that is the bike ride. Another part of that is a whole different set of songs to listen to. I need to stop listening to RED RAIN and NEW YORK MINUTE so much so I’ve been workinh on that. So I bought some new CDs (yes, some people still buy them) like Los Lonely Boys- HEAVEN and Peter Gabriel’s UP. UP has a particularly haunting song called SKY BLUE. I was actually looking for a theme song for “the ride”. Somehow FAT BOTTOM GIRLS or BICYCLE RACE by Queen don’t quite seem suitable. So I was toying with RUNNING ON EMPTY (Jackson Browne) or RIDE LIKE THE WIND (Christopher Cross)  or even TAKE THE HIGHWAY (Marshal Tucker)  when I remembered SKY BLUE by Peter Gabriel. SKY BLUE is one of those songs I was aware of, that is to say I’ve heard it for years, but I never really “listened” to it till today. Lines like “I keep moving to be stable” and “back on the  road alone with the sky” seemed like they might be good bike riding lines.  So, coming back from lunch, I sat in the car and really listened to it. By the time The Blind Boys Of Alabama were singing their harmony at the end I was just weeping uncontrolable. Snakebit by a song. I cried for the rest of the day, as I am crying now. Maybe I should have listen to The Beach Boys instead…nawwwww…Maybe I should listen to SKY BLUE over and over again until I am at last all cried out. I have a way to go it seems….  If you never have, I recommend going to youtube and type in “Peter Gabriel Sky Blue Milan” for the live performance in Milan, Italy in 2003. Bobbi and I loved the show, saw a small portion of it on HBO and went out and ordered the DVD.  The Blind Boys Of Alabama sing at the end of the song, and if you don’t get chills I’ll give ya a dollar ;-)  YOUTUBE

Anyway, there’s still grief to deal with. I recognize that grief is not a state but a process, and I’m still processing. I miss her so much I cannot find the word, and if I knew the words I could not bear to speak them. It seems I am to be Bobbi’s husband a little longer. I wish I had been better at it sooner. There’s my lesson. I don’t know if a bunch of new CDs will help much.

I’ll keep you posted.

Peter Gabriel Sky Blue:
lost my time lost my place in sky blue
those two blue eyes light your face in sky  blue
i know how to fly, i know how to drown in sky blue

warm wind blowing over the earth sky blue
i sing through the land, the land  sings through me, sky blue
reaching into the deepest shade of sky  blue

sky blue, so tired of all this travelling
so many miles away from home
i keep moving to be stable
free to wander, free to roam

train pulled out said my goodbyes, sky blue
back on the  road alone with the sky, sky blue
there’s a presence here no one denies, sky blue

sky blue
so tired of all this  travelling
so many miles away from home
i keep moving to be stable
free to wander, free to roam

i can hear the same voice calling
crying out, from my heart
and that cry, what a cry
what a cry, it’s going to be if
i can stop to let it out, oh!

If there was ever a holiday for Bobbi this is it. What a great mom. She just made you wish she had been your mother or maybe your mother would have been a little more like Bobbi (or maybe a lot).

We all miss you so much honey. The world is a better place for you having been in it, and I am a better man because you loved me. I miss you.

What a difference a few years makes, or a year.

One year ago I was facing what Bobbi had faces two years earlier surgery to remove a brain tumor. Luckily mine was benign. This weekend we had a wonderful weekend. I road 35 miles twice with the team, and Sunday the whole family (Kim, Sonexay, Kira and Ethan) went bike riding!

The "fam" bike riding in the GSMNP on Sunday, April 17, 2011.

It was three wonderful hours for me.

I am fine. My rib has healed and my elbow continues to improve (it’s checked by the wound care people twice a week) and I feel great.

I want to do a music video in memory of Bobbi. If you’re interested in helping please let me know. We will make our own choir by combining multiple videos. Don’t worry about your singing ability I promise, when combined with many other voices, you will make the music better! We’ll be singing along to the music of this song  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qtMN3mXmvqU

All you need is a web cam and a set of headphones and you’re good to go! If you can help I’ll send you a Karaoke version of the song to sing along to, just record yourself singing (while listening with the headphones on)  and send the recording to me. If you want to help but don’t have a webcam let me know and I’ll send you one! Thanks in advance. I’ve had this in mind since Bobbi got sick, and I wanted to do it for her before…. Anyway, thanks in advance if you can help.

Help us sing this song!

I’ll keep you posted.

Yeah, I miss Bobbi. Who wouldn’t? Still, I’m glad fortune smiled upon me and led me to apply for that crazy job.

Hugh (Rikki in lap), Bobbi, Ethan, Sonexay, Kim holding Kira. 2008.....

That’s all really. I just miss Bobbi, and I’m trying to stay busy. I’ll keep you posted.

Hello all. I hope you are well. I am doing very well. I am cycling in a big way now, of course. The training is going great, especially when I’m not being a crash test dummy (my new initials CTD). LOL

We finished our Wood Badge course as camp last weekend. It was an excellent course, made even better by all of my friends, both as students and instructors. It took a year to set the course up, and we spent twice as much time preparing as we usually do, and it showed.

It is a bittersweet time for me. My third year without Bobbi begins…… Things are settling down. I’m settling down, and life goes on, doesn’t it? The “grands” are excellent. I love them so much, and Kimmie too. I miss Bobbi so much. Casey and I went on a 20 mile ride yesterday. I spent half of the time talking to Bobbi (again, sadly one-sided). It made me wonder- is my problem a problem of perception? Was I riding tandem and I did not even know it? I’d like to hope so. Well, I have a lot of distractions, but I still find time to think.

June 4th was start our 1,000 mile ride! What a thing to do! I want to go NOW!!!!! I’m ready! I feel like the longer we wait the more chance something could happen (like last weeks crash). I don’t usually get “nerves”…. Ah well, I guess I have 2 more months to train. Three weeks on a bike…. I’m going to need heap big calluses!

Anyway, I just wanted to talk about Bobbi for a while, not myself. I know we all miss her terribly. I got to spend Tuesday evening with Kim and family after bringing Ethan home from Cub Scouts. It was just wonderful. Kira was feeling healthy = not grumpy and she condescended to give me some much appreciated affection. Yeah- I said condescended. She is the princess of the planet after all! LOL I want to take the family bike riding one weekend soon on the Virginia Creeper trail. It’s a fun and easy bike ride through the western Virginia mountains on an abandoned railroad bed. I’ll post photos if we go.

Thanks for checking in. Keep in touch. I’ll keep you posted.

Well, the real good

Bobbi's mom and sister with the kids....

news is that Nonnie (Donna Livengood) is doing well and home safe and surrounded by Sarah and the kids. Here’s the proof! I talked to Nonnie on Friday and she was already on the way home with Sarah. She felt great and was more interested in talking about nephew Ben’s great show at the national men’s doubles tennis tournament in California which is where she was when she got sick. Way to go Ben! I enjoy playing tennis almost as much as I enjoy golf (those of you who know me well can guess the look on my face), but I still like the idea of other enjoying sports (even if I don’t enjoy them myself. Anyone want my golf clubs???).

We are all well. Ethan had strep and Kira may have it now, but I’m all right and none of the “grown ups” seem to have gotten sick. It’s not that I mind getting sick as much as I mind missing training. I’m too old to miss a week off of the bike! I’ll keep working out and taking vitamins and hope I dodge that bullet.

Ethan and I spent the night at his friend Jack’s house. Jack’s house is the home of our (Bobbi’s and mine) friends Casey and Jill Cooper. Today Casey and I have a huge long ride (relatively) today- 2.5 hours at moderate exertion levels. This is called “Endurance Miles” training by our coaches.

Jill Cooper serves Ethan and Oliver breakfast...

I’m not sure what the rest of the team is supposed to do, but that’s what Casey and I were assigned. Oh boy, If we do it that will easily take us 50k in one day. That’s a good example of what to expect on “the ride”. News at 11.    ;-)

There are more updates on “the Hugh blog”. I’ll keep you posted.