…it gets you. Today was such a time.

It’s a little odd. I know I must move on. I know she would want me to. It’s even occurred to me that, from a certain point of view, her death was the best possible outcome. I know that’s sick, but let me explain. I think it’s pretty obvious to many people how much I loved and still love that woman, and I am not a man without “capacities”. Still, my ability to love is a pathetic thing next to her’s. She was all that is good about love- compasion, tollerance, empathy, forgiveness, all the noble things I struggle with came so easily to her. Even now I stand in awe of her love. I can even accept that in a lifetime such a love may only happen once, and I accept that gladly for I have truly known such a love. It was mine. So, we know, at least I do, that her love for me was orders of magnitude greater than even my own for her. It is staggering.

And so, were I to have been the one to die, what would she have felt then? Would her anguish be greater than my own? Even if not, if her wisdom could mitigate that sorrow some how, I would still have be the cause of her suffering. It is the way of the world- someone always goes first. What did I expect? Well, I did hope for a little more time…. But this way she saw me, weak and flawed as I was (and am) do all within my power to care for her. I promised her I would never leave her, and she saw me keep that promise. I hope it helped that her daughter saw a man stay with her no matter what until the end. I almost called it the “bitter end”, but somehow that could never apply to Bobbi. Anyawy, I fear if she had lost me after loosing her father I don’t know how she could have born that. Of course she could, because she was so strong, but there would have been pain (because her love was so great).

So you see, this was the best outcome. I don’t mean it was prefferable to us growing senile together on a beach in the Bahamas, just that it was prefferable to me leaving her alone. Gos knows, I’d walk into a furnace to make her whole and well, and walk into it gladly.  I’m not the kind of person who gets to walk between the raindrops. My toast lands butter side down sometimes. Still, I was loved by the most amazing woman.

Anyway, these were just some of the thoughts I’d had recently. Another thought was I really need to change my way of living. Part of that is the bike ride. Another part of that is a whole different set of songs to listen to. I need to stop listening to RED RAIN and NEW YORK MINUTE so much so I’ve been workinh on that. So I bought some new CDs (yes, some people still buy them) like Los Lonely Boys- HEAVEN and Peter Gabriel’s UP. UP has a particularly haunting song called SKY BLUE. I was actually looking for a theme song for “the ride”. Somehow FAT BOTTOM GIRLS or BICYCLE RACE by Queen don’t quite seem suitable. So I was toying with RUNNING ON EMPTY (Jackson Browne) or RIDE LIKE THE WIND (Christopher Cross)  or even TAKE THE HIGHWAY (Marshal Tucker)  when I remembered SKY BLUE by Peter Gabriel. SKY BLUE is one of those songs I was aware of, that is to say I’ve heard it for years, but I never really “listened” to it till today. Lines like “I keep moving to be stable” and “back on the  road alone with the sky” seemed like they might be good bike riding lines.  So, coming back from lunch, I sat in the car and really listened to it. By the time The Blind Boys Of Alabama were singing their harmony at the end I was just weeping uncontrolable. Snakebit by a song. I cried for the rest of the day, as I am crying now. Maybe I should have listen to The Beach Boys instead…nawwwww…Maybe I should listen to SKY BLUE over and over again until I am at last all cried out. I have a way to go it seems….  If you never have, I recommend going to youtube and type in “Peter Gabriel Sky Blue Milan” for the live performance in Milan, Italy in 2003. Bobbi and I loved the show, saw a small portion of it on HBO and went out and ordered the DVD.  The Blind Boys Of Alabama sing at the end of the song, and if you don’t get chills I’ll give ya a dollar ;-)  YOUTUBE

Anyway, there’s still grief to deal with. I recognize that grief is not a state but a process, and I’m still processing. I miss her so much I cannot find the word, and if I knew the words I could not bear to speak them. It seems I am to be Bobbi’s husband a little longer. I wish I had been better at it sooner. There’s my lesson. I don’t know if a bunch of new CDs will help much.

I’ll keep you posted.

Peter Gabriel Sky Blue:
lost my time lost my place in sky blue
those two blue eyes light your face in sky  blue
i know how to fly, i know how to drown in sky blue

warm wind blowing over the earth sky blue
i sing through the land, the land  sings through me, sky blue
reaching into the deepest shade of sky  blue

sky blue, so tired of all this travelling
so many miles away from home
i keep moving to be stable
free to wander, free to roam

train pulled out said my goodbyes, sky blue
back on the  road alone with the sky, sky blue
there’s a presence here no one denies, sky blue

sky blue
so tired of all this  travelling
so many miles away from home
i keep moving to be stable
free to wander, free to roam

i can hear the same voice calling
crying out, from my heart
and that cry, what a cry
what a cry, it’s going to be if
i can stop to let it out, oh!