Wow. Well, how’s your year going? Sorry, y’all, but I guess I’m not a Country Music fan (blame Buck Owens and ROCKY TOP). I mention this because, over the last year, I’ve been hearing the Rascal Flats song I’M MOVING ON over and over again in my head…..

I’ve dealt with my ghosts and I’ve faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I’ve found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I’m at peace with myself
I’ve been burdened with blame, and trapped in the past for too long
I’m movin’ on

I’ve lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they’re always the same
They mean me no harm but it’s time that I face it
They’ll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don’t belong
I’m movin’ on

(see the video here- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k1bxlDAjGCo)

That’s pretty a powerful song for me, and I must confess that I’ve seriously considered just moving away, moving anywhere. I really and truly felt that HOME was now where I don’t belong. And yet…

As my first year without Bobbi has drawn to a close I guess I’ve “settled down” a little. At last I am almost at peace with myself. This is through no wisdom on my part, but because of the care, compassion and love of family and friends. Again, I add the word “friends” because you may not know that, to me, there’s really no difference between family and friends. Fate it seems is not without a sense of irony, and as my first year without Bobbi came to a close I heard those words “You have a brain tumor”…    and I told a few people ;-)

On Friday my family had a bake sale for me, and raised a bunch of money to help me with expenses. They had to sell a lot of cupcakes! I was and remain stunned at the quiet outpouring of love. Well, I feel a little guilty keeping it because this sucker MUST be benign, and the money should go to “real” sick people (and it will), but what a gesture, eh? I’m actually in a no-loose situation. If it’s malignant then I’m finally going to “get away from it all”. If it’s benign, well, I’ve got a lot of work to do. I’d just as soon stay (in case “the powers” are listening).

Anyway, over the last few week I’ve been thinking of all those I love who have go on- Bobbi, her (and mine) dad Gale, my mother, grandparents, aunts and uncles, and of course my father. My father was on of my heroes. As a parent he  honestly wasn’t so hot, but he became one of my best friends, and then he became a great dad. My father is the grandson of a great Cherokee chief, and decended from many others including Attakullakullaand Tsiyu Gansini ( Dragging Canoe), and so, of course, am I. I live in the place where my family has lived since the beginning of time (or at least our own history which goes back to the last Ice Age), and my family has reached out to me with love. Who would consider leaving a place like that? What was I thinking? Still, I think you could understand….

I sold what I could and packed what I couldn’t
Stopped to fill up on my way out of town
I’ve loved like I should but lived like I shouldn’t
I had to lose everything to find out
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road
I’m movin’ on

So, it’s time to move on, but I’ll move on by moving forward. I guess I have dealt with my ghosts after all, at least I’d like to think so. I do need a new house, but this place, this reservation has always been home. Even when (and maybe especially because) I’ve lived thousands of miles away this place was home. Even in the Virgin Islands (which is more like “the rez” than you might think…except for the salt water).My dearest blood sleeps here, and when your blood is in the ground that place owns you. I too shall go to my rest, if I can, in this place (are the powers listening?).

I understand now that some people thought I might be leaving. They’d ask if I was moving and how my house renovations were coming, but they always had a funny look when they’d ask. Maybe I was moving, but I’m not now, not yet anyway, and not that way. I’m not moving, I’m moving forward. I’ve had two more MRIs, and I hope to hear the neurosurgeon’s opinion today. I’m sure it will be good news. Then I’ll need to pay my taxes. LOL.

Man that’s a pretty song. I miss you Bobbi. I’m gonna go see “my kids” tonight.

I’ll keep you posted.

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: HE’S GOT A ROTTEN BRAIN!
Frau Blücher: It’s a good brain!
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein:  IT’S ROTTEN, I TELL YA! ROTTEN!
The Monster: RAAAAAAAA!
Igor: Ixnay on the ottenray.
YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN

I had another MRI today, this one with contrast. I guess I’m just tired, because reactions from the die are pretty rare. I’ll find out in a few days if they still think my “little hitchhiker” is benign. I’m thinking of calling it Igor. ;-)

Brothers Sam and Lloyd were in town yesterday. We had supper at brother Dave’s, but they left before the snow got bad. Yes, it’s snowing again. I got four inches last night.

I’m going away Friday and Saturday for a little R&R. I’ll be home Sunday. Bobbi’s mom will be home for a quick trip this weekend. We all miss her. That’s about all I have for now. 365 + 3….

I’ll keep you posted.

Well, we made it. I made it. The councillors said “don’t do anything for twelve months”. Well, I did stuff, but made it through anyway (or maybe because of). Anyway, we are here. It wasn’t as bad a day as I had feared….maybe because the last four weeks was so damned hard.

I spent the day at home mostly. I talked to a lot of people I love (including Bobbi- again, that conversation was a little one-sided). Then I went to the doctor’s  office for a blood test. Just a scheduled check of kidney function. After that I went and got Ethan and we went to cub scouts and had a great time together. My kids, all of my kids, are my life-savers. We started building Pinewood Derby cars which the boys themselves designed. While there (at Casey and Jill Cooper’s house) they showed me a picture of Bobbi I’d never seen before! Here it is.

When I took Ethan home I talked with Kim and Sonexay for a long time, till nearly 10pm. Then I carried Ethan up to bed (little rascal fell asleep on the floor besides me) and went home. I was in bed by 11pm and up at 6am. It was a pretty normal night.

That’s it. The year is up. What now? Life goes on, it seems. I’m okay. With a lot of help I made it through this year. It did, as promised, get easier. Next year will be easier, and then the year after that… In the meantime I’ll keep “eating the elephant” (how do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time). Thanks for “listening”. I’ll keep you posted.

Godspeed Bobbi Lynn

9,497days ago (one week after Valentines Day 1984) I met Bobbi Lynn Livengood. I applied for a job delivering singing telegrams. It took 10 minutes to fill out the application and 10 minutes for the interview. I stayed and talked with her for three hours, and when I went home I told my mother I’d met the girl I was going to marry. Mom always enjoyed reminding me of that. We went on one date, and after that we were pretty much inseparable. I promised her I’d never leave her, and I kept my promise. We had good times and bad, but the bad times were fewer than the good. Even that last year was full of love and beauty. I miss her very much.

I was thinking about the last year- my first year without her since we met….. and yet…. I spent yesterday with my family- her brother and his wife. I talked to our niece, checked on my brother, and tonight I will be with our daughter and grandchildren. Everything she every gave me I still have, except for the pleasure of her touch. I still can feel her touch, hear her voice and see reminders of her everywhere I turn. Today has come, the day I feared, and I am okay. I am well and truly loved, and my live has beauty and joy to go along with the occasional sorrows and sometimes loss. I’m way ahead, and the richest man I know. So thank you Bobbi, for our life and for your love. Your gift of love continues to bless me, and I’ll never forget you. You got me though my life and your death. I am a vastly better man for your having loved me. Thank you my love. I’m okay, and I’ll take care of our family. We validated our life with the love we shared by the way we cared

Collage from the memorial....

 for each other. You taught me that love never waivers, and to love truly love means you care for others more than yourself. Thank you. We all love you.

I promised I would never leave you, and I know you would have never left me. I know you in a place of beauty- a place as beautiful as you are. You are free of pain and beyond the reach of the ugly disease that tore you from our grasp.  Now it’s time to let you go. I know you’re not really gone, it is my own failure of perception that keeps me from seeing you. Soon enough that veil will be lifted and then together we can watch over those we love who are still in this world. Grandpa said he could do more for us from the other side, as I know you are also doing. No one will ever take your place in our hearts, but your example will show us that a heart filled with love always has room for more. I shall prove your faith in me until I too cross that final sea and reach the shore on the other side. There I will take my place with you and all those who were there waiting to welcome you, as I too will be welcomed. Until then, my love, I will carry on our work.  May we all know the peace and joy that true love can bring. I love you, Bobbi Lynn.

Hugh

Sometimes you see couple who are so close they seem to merge, and the boundary between them seems indistinct. We call this space the “secret world”… Peter Gabriel

This time is easier and harder than I imagined. One year ago today I made Bobbi her favorite breakfast- homemade blueberry pancakes. As I was feeding her she stopped chewing and slipped into a coma. I am learning to remember it without reliving it, or at least to reliving the pain. I can rejoice at the gift that was that sweet and gentle soul.  Yesterday Bobbi’s mom called and we had a very long talk. We are much on each other’s minds these days, as are all of our loved ones in this world and the one beyond.

Still, life does go on. I spent yesterday with family, and today I’m going to Greg and Susan’s (Bobbi’s brother and his wife) to help get internet access to Susan’s studio. I just thought I’d drop you a quick note. The snow has stopped and the sun has come out for three days in a row. I think it’s the sun- a big bright light in the sky, right? I even went out without a coat yesterday….that’s gotta be bad luck. LOL

I hope you all are well. I certainly am. I’m going to go help my family now. Tomorrow I have taken the day off and will sit home and remember Bobbi. I have been watching home movies, and in a good way (I hope). I have known much joy, and hope to know more in the time that remains me. Almost nothing I hope for as a child has come to pass, and that is also perhaps a blessing. It’s the things that have surprised me which have given me the most delight. I am truly blessed.

Here’s a bit of good news (to me at least). Yesterday I went out and bought some new pants! That may not seem like a big deal, but one year ago I needed 44″ relaxed fit pants. Yesterday I bought 36″ Regulars- I’ve lost 10″ from my waistline. You should have seem the smile on my face as each progressively smaller pair was too big (until I hit 36″). I guess it’s the smallest I’ve been in 15 years or more. 4″ more and I’ll be tickled, thought I’m pretty jazzed right now. It’s nice to have goals.

Thank you for listening. I’ll keep you posted.

“It’s not a toomah!” – Arnold Swartzeneger in Kindergarden Cop.

Actually, it is.

I’m sorry I haven’t posted any updates in a while. I had something happen and I didn’t want to say anything. You see, it’s not been the best couple of years for the family, and more bad news would be…well, bad. It turns out this isn’t bad news yet, and I didn’t want to say anything till I knew for sure so I said nothing. I have beloved nieces and nephews who read this and I didn’t want them to blow what I’m about to say out of proportion (Maddi- this means you! LOL). So here goes- I have a brain tumor. Please don’t say anything to anyone until you finish reading.

Now, it’s not as bad as it sounds- the doctors think it’s probably benign (not cancerous), and even if it is it’s probably not metastatic (it’s probably the kind that doesn’t spread). Even if it is, as far as brain surgery goes this one would be the kind that doesn’t do a lot of damage. Probably it’s the slow growing benign kind and all we need to do is keep an eye on it. That means MRIs every six months or so. We’ll know for sure after another round of MRIs.

I didn’t say anything at first because…well, I was terrified. The only good news was I was going to see Bobbi sooner than I thought AND I didn’t need to worry about filing my tax return with the IRS (sort of a bonus). I could have learned to fly and then visited them via airplane, but I didn’t think I had that kind of time. For several days I was “walking wounded”, and so were the few people I confided in. Now it may be much ado over nothing (or not much anyway). The headaches and ringing in my ears I went in for may be as simple as old age (quit whining!) or Minears Disease (remember Scott Carpenter the first American in space?). So that’s it. I’ve seen neurosurgeons and ENT doctors, and I’ve gotten a lot of support from friends and family. I just didn’t want you to worry about me when we all know people who are really sick. I also want to honor Bobbi, not whine about myself.

I have spent “blog time” repairing the old web page that got corrupted by a virus. I’m through most of 2008 repairing the text, and I’m slowly replacing bad/deleted/corrupted photos from old picture archives. I had a backup, but the virus ate it too. Yes- even professionals get computer viruses <hangs head in shame>.

Monday will be the anniversary of Bobbi’s death, her transition, however we choose to refer to it. I can say it nicely, but it isn’t (nice). Still, I find I can recall it without reliving it. That must be the result of healing. Valentines Day was hard, and so will Monday be, and I’m proud that I hurt so much. I also know I don’t have a lot of time for pain and fear, so thanks everyone- I’m picking myself up and getting back on “my road”. I’m glad I’ve had a lot of help. Bless you all. I’m fine and I’;m going to stay that way.

I’ll keep you posted.

Dearest Beloved Friends and Family,

My Vanlentines Day without Bobbi approaches. I confess I have been dreading this, but then I remember she is still in my heart. When I think of that, every day is Valentines Day. What a couple of years, eh? I move through this period and hope that clarity of thought will return (and if it does I pray it remains).

I used to wish for two lives- one to learn from and one to “do-over” and get it right. Now, I am becoming content with this one life. Of course, I hope it’s obvious the honor and joy I feel at the knowledge of Bobbi’s love for me. I sometimes forget and must remind myself of the honor and joy at having you all in my life. I have always been blessed with the greatest of friends, and an “interesting” family all of whom I love so dearly. How much greater the blessing that my beloved Bobbi increased my wealth many-fold. All my new (25 years new) family and friends….. beloved Kim and her children, Donna and Gale, my “other” mother and father, and all my brothers and sisters and cousins and aunts and uncles….. And all of my friends who I include as family, all my scouting brothers and sisters, and AISA and Rotary and Fire and EMS. I want you to know I thank God for you all.

The one year anniversary of Bobbi’s death approaches, but I am finding some peace with it. The sorrow is not defeated by the love and joy, and I remain the richest man I know.

Peace,

Hugh

I’ll keep you posted

Dearest Bobbi,

I just wanted to let you know that you are the kindest soul I have been honored to know, and your love for me is a gift I hope to earn again and again and again…. I know what tomorrow will bring, but I know you loved me, and I love you. Thank you.

Hugh

Well, I hope you had a good weekend. I’ve had one myself, good and bad I guess. The winter storm that hit us Friday knocked out electricity until yesterday (Sunday) at 5pm. What started as a snowstorm ended up an ice storm. That was no hardship (I then thought) since I was in Mars Hill cross country skiing. More on that adventure in a while. I got home late yesterday after going to work to get our servers back up. If you couldn’t hit the web page this weekend, that was why. Anyway, the place I work was a sheet of ice. I nearly busted my butt getting in and out. As you’ll hear later, busting my butt is something I know about.

I had to go away. I just couldn’t stay here. Two years ago is when we discovered the lump in Bobbi’s breast. We didn’t have it checked right away (though it would have likely made no difference) because her father was then dying of cancer. Yesterday it had been two years since the lost of Bobbi’s beloved father Gale. I called Gale my “other father.” Gale’s death of course devastated us all. I wanted to call Bobbi’s mom yesterday, but by the time my phones were charged up I had fallen asleep.

Today the tribe was given an administrative leave day. I spent the day soaking in a tub. I wasn’t able to do that till today because no power not only means no hot water- it means no water at all. Then I got out and started the task I had hoped to avoid- I began tearing the house apart looking for Bobbi’s will. You see, I have not probated her estate because I can’t find the damned thing. I suppose that’s pretty irresponsible. I know we made one, I even have a copy of it. Bobbi was very organized and methodical. I knew it would be in her personal important papers folder. I know because I asked her where she put it. That was one of the hardest things I ever did. In April, as things sort of settled down, I looked, but no will. No problem, I thought, I have a year and I was sure it would turn up. I made a few attempts to find it, but they were disasters. I’d find a photo or some memento of Bobbi’s and I’d be “off to the races” as they say. I hope you never know the horror of imploring a dead loved one to help find the proof they no longer exist. That’s how I’ve spent my day (no luck yet). God help me, Bobbi, I need to prove you’re not here anymore, as if my pathetic existence isn’t proof enough. Anyway, it’s hard for me still. I look for the papers from time to time, but now I must force myself to find them. I’d rather have a root canal, but I have to do this.

Bobbi made me this set up tiles many years ago. It stares at me every morning and every evening.

Of course, my existence isn’t pathetic…not exactly. Some of my actions are I suppose, but I guess my
existence” is more proof of a struggle against grief and maybe a little madness. I’d like to think I’m emerging out the other side of the thing, or at least getting nearer. It’s all on me, right? I mean everything that was ever true still is. While she isn’t “here” the life we built together, the home, the family and friends, this community- it still exists. How we all feel remains unchanged except for the added sense of loss, but certainly the love we feel is unchanged. Death cannot take that. What is love anyway? A curous series of electro-chemical values in a series of nerve cells in the brain- do those not yet exist? Did the cancer that took her life erase the love she felt for me or mine for her? If not, what remains? The obvious, I suppose- carry on.

I guess none of this is new, it’s just part of my weekend. Oh yes- why am I an expert at busting my butt? Well, as I said, I went skiing Saturday. Actually, “skiing” might be bragging. I certainly wore skis, and I even propelled myself at times. Mostly I spent the afternoon falling. I can honestly say everyone did. The snow was covered with an ince of ice. Skates might have been more appropriate. Still, I enjoyed it very much. I complained about it of course, but I could see that, under better conditions, it could be a blast. It may be. Once the bruises heal (and one possibly cracked rib) I might try it again.

So, that’s what’s been happening. I’d have posted several updates this weekend, but you know why I didn’t. I have found many photos I didn’t know existed. Many or of Bobbi and her family from the time before we were married. Maybe someone will recognis the picture. I recognise my sweet Bobbi, Kim and Bobbi’s parents, but the others????

Anyway, that’s my update. I’ll keep you posted.

Bobbi, her mom, and her dad who is holding Kim.... I think...