I drove by the KidZone today…twice actually. I do every day. I guess it’s been a rough winter for those girls too, but I take more than a little comfort that they’re carrying on the work Bobbi started. She really put alot of herself in that place. I feel it everytime I go by there. Alicia and Teresa get a big thank you from me.

I’ll keep you posted.

The local high school booster club has invited me to a basketball game this coming Tuesday. The Cherokee High School Booster Club will be sponsoring “Pink Zone” night during the Cherokee – vs- Swain basketball game on February 2, 2010. Throughout the night the Cherokee High School Booster Club will sponsor various activities to celebrate the “Pink Zone” as well as bring awareness and distribute educational materials to everyone in attendance.  A fund raiser will be held to raise funds for the local cancer support group as well as to sponsor a donation to the Kay Yow/WBCA Cancer Fund. Activities will include performances by the Cherokee Jump Rope Team, Cherokee Cheer lead by Jessica Daniels and a Special Pink Zone Basketball Shootout.  Fund Raising will continue throughout the night on February 2, 2010. 

The girl’s basketball team attended the Kay Yow Basketball Camp in Raleigh, NC. Kay Yow was the head coach of the NC State Wolfpack women’s basketball team at from 1975 to 2009. A member of the Naismith Hall of Fame, she had more than 700 career wins. She also won an Olympic gold medal as coach of the 1988 U.S. women’s basketball team, despite having been diagnosed with breast cancer in 1987. During this time they became very familiar with her long struggle with breast cancer.  In 2008 the Women’s College Basketball Association (WBCA) created the Kay Yow/WBCA Cancer Fund in honor of Coach Yow.  This event will enable the Cherokee High Booster Club to support efforts to fight cancer locally and on the national level.

Cancer survivors and the family of breast cancer victims will be there, and that includes me. If you’re in the area and not too busy, swing on by and sit with me, okay? I’m the one holding a big picture of Bobbi… and probably crying.

I’ll keep you posted.

Hello all. I thought I’d post a quick note. Of course, dear Bobbi is ever on my mind. Can it be a year already? Last night I cooked supper for Kim and her family (my family). We had grilled salmon, grilled chicken, stir-fried veges and a big salad. Sonny’s mom came over with some sticky rice (the dish, it’s not a condition!). It was wonderful. The night before I took Ethan to cub scouts. We had a great time. I’m good. I’ve been working out pretty regularly. I haven’t lost any more weight, but I haven’t gained any either. Bobbi’s mom is still in Charlotte. Life does, it seems, go on.

I really miss here, you know? That’s really it. I just want her back. So, I try to do good work each day and honor those I love and those who love me. I try to do what Bobbi would. That’s about all I have for today. Thank you for checking in. I’ll keep you posted.

It seems as if it was barely yesterday Bobbi was being diagnosed, yet now it’s nearly been a year since she has passed. The 11 month anniversary was tough, but not as tough as some (or most). I tried too stay busy and that helped. I suppose it’s a little bit like loosing one’s religion (or maybe gaining a new one). For so long I absolutely knew Bobbi was with me, yet now I just have to have faith. Today was a busy day training By Scouts. Now I’m in Greenville, SC visiting my brother and my new niece! Jessica (Jesse) Lambert is now five months old and a delight. Since it’s supposed to rain all weekend I’ll probably spend tomorrow (Sunday) here and then go home tomorrow evening.

There’s not really much else to report it seems. No new insight or epiphanies about myself, Bobbi or the nature of the universe. Missing Bobbi is nothing new, yet I feel it as strongly as I ever have. I’ll just keep taking it day by day. I’ll keep you posted.

Well, I’m slowly getting over this flu. I felt well enough to have supper with Bobbi’s brother Greg and his wife Susan Tuesday evening. Yes- I was bad, I ate BBQ and loved it. I’ll have to do an extra hour at the gym this week. Afterwards I saw “the kids” on the way home. Kim was sick so I took them some BBQ. We all sat at the table (BBQ has magic healing powers!) and had supper. I happened to take a picture of Kira with my cell phone. She’s learning to interact more with people. She’s trying to talk, but mostly she’s waving a lot.

Kira says hello!

As I have been able, I’ve tried to get my head back on straight and take care of things. Part of that involves cleaning. I’m a mess! What poor Bobbi had to put up with all these years. Part of that is just the noises in my head, and part of that is my own nature. Anyway, I guess in the last two weeks I’ve thrown away 15 – 20 big trash bags full of……well, trash. I’ve also taken maybe a dozen old PCs and printers to the recycling center. Along the way I’m finding things, including a package of old photos. About six years ago we too a bunch of scouts on a night hike along the Appalachian Trail, and I found some photos from the trip. Here’s a picture of Bobbi from that night. We made that trip several times, but this was the first (and hardest). Just look at that face! Isn’t she lovely? She really is an angel. I’m so proud of her, and proud she loved me.

A night camping trip and hike along the Appalachian Trail.

Tomorrow it will have been eleven months since Bobbi made her transition. So much has happened since then. I understand the wisdom of the old line about not making any big changes/decisions for a year after a traumatic event (I think this qualifies). I’ve given a lot of thought to the nature of life and love, what matters and what is jus a distraction from a true path. What does matter? What is worthy of our attention and what is it that keeps us from becoming our true self? By the same token, what things help us most, and who? I am truly blessed, for I have been loved fiercely! I have been loved in spite of myself, in spite of my flaws and failings by someone who always believed in me and always saw what was best in me.

This begins the twelth month since Bobbi died. How can I best honor that love? How can I validate the faith she had in me? Do I owe her any less than my very best even if she is not here? Of course not. I do believe I see a path. The light at the end of the tunnel may not be a train. The love I thought would walk beside me is still here, but will now be carried inside me. I want Bobbi with me, just like I want my mom and dad, and Gale, and all those

Here's the picture I promised you last month of Bobbi teaching the 4H club to make dolls.

I love who are not here. Soon, I know not when, I too will make that transition.  But for now, I have things to do, and I believe I am healing. I’m pretty sure of this because I can look at this picture of Bobbi hiking and smile instead of just break down and cry. I might get a little whispy, but how can you not smile when you see that smile of her’s? I take no small comfort in believing that she’ll always take my breath away.

In the mean time, I’ve been lost long enough. There’s a path to walk and I’m not done yet. I know all those I love and who love me, in this world and beyond, are all wishing me the best and cheering me on. Thank you. I love you all very much…especially a funny little girl from Ohio who may be the only person in the world who didn’t realize how wonderful she was. We love you, Bobbi.

I’ll keep you posted.

Sheesh…. well, maybe I can stay back. I seemed to have had a little flu virus. Yes, it may be the dreaded swine flu, but I didn’t squeel like a pig. Actually, I’ve mostly been eating more chicken soup and drinking orange juice.

I finally felt up to watching a little TV, so I put in  MARLEY AND ME which I’ve had from NETFLIX for a week now. I was startled to see Kathleen Turner playing a middle-aged dog obedience trainer… She looked so much like Bobbi I had to smile. It was a lot like watching Bobbi try to be commanding with a bunch of rowdy kids. I was truly charmed. I actually always thought Bobbi looked like Kathleen Turner mixed with Loretta Switt (as Margaret “Hot Lips” Houlihan in TV’s MASH). What do you think?

I am doing better in other ways. I guess the “holiday blues” is finally over. Grief must be a lot like being manic-depressive (sounds cooler than “bi-polar”). Good days and bad, and sometimes you can feel a bad spell coming on. The good thing is when a fear bad spell isn’t as bad as you thought it might be. I guess I’m accepting the fact that she’s really not coming back. It’s been nearly eleven month, and I’m starting to accept it. So, it’s like learning to walk with a prosthetic, or some other handicap. For so long Bobbi was maybe the biggest part of “the world” to me. Now it’s like finding I’m in some other place, and I’ve had to move here against my will. The trick of course is to look forward and then move in that general direction. I know this is basic stuff. Sometimes I feel pretty retarded.

I’m going to start doing Boy Scout leader training again. The folks in the local district have made me a part of the team. I enjoy the work, and it’s another thing to look forward to. It’s so much easier now, now that I have a special angel to inspire me. I can leave my ego home (well, try to anyway), and when something comes up I try to thing what Bobbi would do.

Be well. I’ll keep you posted.

I’m back. Sorry for no posts in the last week. I was sick. After bragging to several people that I don’t get sick I (wait for it) got sick. I was a 

Susan and Greg Livengood in front of CHEMO TODAY

very bad cold,

and maybe bronchitis. I missed work most of the week.

Laying in bed for a week in that house…. well, it was interesting. I did a lot of grief processing since I had the time. It’s so odd- just a year

ago it seems like I had Bobbi 24/7 taking care of her, handling meds, cooking, talking… Now the talking is decidedly “one sided”. I did have an interesting experience. I don’t think I was feverish, but I was feeling very bad. The only thing that gave any relief was soaking in a hot bath preferably with the shower running as hot as I could stand it. Anyway, I’d been processing grief and releasing myself from guilt. You may know what I mean- all the times I didn’t pay her as much attention as I should have, outbreaks of bad temper, the usual “typical male” stuff. Anyway, I had a revelation.

CHEMO TODAY

 It occurred to me that guilt was not only a waste of spirit but was keeping me from really dealing with everything. I asked myself if it wasn’t time to let it go. Of course it was, and as I released the guilt and forgave myself I swear- I felt Bobbi behind me lay her hands on my shoulder. Some moments are especially precious.

The bottom.

Anyway, I am slowly getting better. As I felt better I started doing the hard stuff- I started going through paperwork.

I started sorting all of the bills, notices, medical records and other things that I had let slide for the last 10 months. I also started cleaning my computer office/lab/junk storage area. I filled ten big trash cans with trash. I started going through books and magazines and the like. I need to get up off the mat and get back at it. I knew the holidays could be bad (and they were), but time passes and there is healing. The worst thing about being sick was not seeing “the kids”!

So, I promised everyone pictures from Susan’s show. Here they are. The work is on display through February. Susan told me a pretty great

The left side....

she explained the different parts of the piece. You no longer need hair care products when chemo makes you loose your hair. You wear a lot of scarves. The longer she talked the quieter he got, and when she finished he was quiet for a very long time. Then he went out to his car and brought in every piece of gear he had. He spent over and hour composing and taking pictures. He even had Greg and Susan holding lights!

 How about that? I thought that was pretty wonderful. Anyway, I added a like to Susan’s web page (on the right side under Blogroll). Check it out!

Anyway, it’s nice to be out of bed. I hope you are all well! I’ll keep you posted.

... and the right.

Well, last night was something. First of all, it was incredibly cold (for here). Because of the weather attendance at the opening of Susan’s piece was low. I barely made it myself. Because of the weather I didn’t continue on the Charlotte, but I’m getting ahead of myself.

I was a little late because of the ice on the road. I stayed for two hours, until the gallery closed. Honestly, when I saw the piece I was staggered. It didn’t have Bobbi’s picture, but it had so much of her presence…. it was so very moving. Of course, you can predict what happened. It was actually very healing. I’ll download the photos and post them here.

This morning it was amazingly cold- 3 degrees above zero. I spent the day trying to clean. It’s hard for me here, but slowly getting a little easier. I guess it’s a little like trying to learn to walk again after loosing a leg. I really don’t have anything to compare it to. It’s like when my dad died, but maybe times ten. Anyway, I guess I need to just stay here and learn to deal with it. Ah well, I’ll keep you posted.

It’s 6am… quiet time for me. I’ve been looking at family photos (with predictable results) and thinking about the past few years. Yesterday I made a mistake with a new web page program and erased the www.bobbilambert.comweb page- every single file went away. Oops. I was able to undelete most of the files. In the process I found a picture from late 2007. I took it at KidZone after eatting lunch with my honey.

As I left KidZone I caught her smiling at the doorway....

 Now I’m back at the keyboard. It’s cold (for here) but it didn’t snow last night- for once. I know the folks up north laugh at weather that’s not sub-zero with four feet of snow, but this is a lot for us.

I spent the evening with “my kids” last night- Kim, Ethan, Kira and Sonexay (yes, I count him too). It was just wonderful. We even talked about Bobbi a little bit. Ethan said “you’re my favorite Poobah”. It’s kind of funny. Bobbi’s family gives everyone pet names. Bobbi’s mom is Nonnie, Gale was Poppie, Bobbi was Mimi and I’m Pobah. Anyway, when Ethan… I mean Boo told me that I remembered something Bobbi told me. She said to me “you know, I love more than anyone in the world except for Kim and Ethan” (Kira was not yet born). That was maybe the nicest thing she ever told me. When a grandmother tells you she loves you almost as much as her grandchildren…..well, that’s a powerful love. Ole Willy (Shakespeare that is) never described love better.  My God, I do miss her so very much.

So that’s what happened last night. Yesterday I had maybe the best medical checkup I ever had. In the last year I’ve lost 74 pounds. My cholesterol is 110 (ideally it should be between 100 and 129). Probably the best news is that, though I developed diabetes five years ago,  not only am I free of all diabetes symptoms, but my A1C4.8 (normal is 4-6.5). Last night I was able to keep up with a seven year old boy running around all over the house. I couldn’t do that a year ago. I promised Bobbi I’d take care of everyone, and it occurred to me that includes myself.

That’s what’s going on around here. Friday night is the CHEMO TODAY openning at the Gallery in Waynesville. I imagine that will be “moving” to say the least. I wonder if I’ll be able to hold it together, but I’m not worried about it either way. It’ll be nice to be with others who miss her. You all stay well. I’ll keep you posted.

I hope your year is going well. I had a near disaster- I erased the web page. I was updating the old bobbilambert.com page with a new program. Long story short- it erased all files on the server except for the one page I was uploading. It took a few hours, but I got most of it back using “undelete” software. Now I have a backup I can get across the Internet. Whew.

The nice thing was I was able to look at all of the old pictures without “loosing it.” I even smiled a few times. I’m siting here at lunch at my desk and looking at amazing photos of that amazing woman….. I have been blessed.

Our sister Susan Livengood has created a piece of “installation art” called CHEMO TODAY. It was inspired by Bobbi’s struggle with inflammatory breast cancer. You can view the Asheville Citizen Times article by clicking on the picture.

See the Asheville Citizen Times article here.

Chemo Today and new paintings are on display January 8 – February 26, 2010 at ART ON DEPOT gallery in Waynesville. There is a reception this Friday evening (Jan. 8) from 6 – 9pm. See you there!Art on Depot
250 Depot St
Waynesville, NC 28786
Located in Historic Frog Level