Well, tonight 2009 will be over. Some year, eh? Ah well, this is the way the wheel turns.

I’m uploading some Christmas pictures for you all.

Kim watches as Ethan and Kira dive in...

They sure are cute! Even the “big kids” are cute. I’m looking forward to taking Ethan to see AVATAR this weekend! If you haven’t seen it, it’s a lot of fun. It’s not a great movie, but what a spectacle. Think  DANCES WITH WOLVES meets THE MATRIX. What the heck, at least the Indians win this time. All it took was a Canadian director and $300 million dollars! LOL

I don’t suppose anyone is surprised if I’m thinking about Bobbi. What may surprise you is I’m thinking about you, too. I miss you all. I truly pray that all of you have a wonderful new year, full of health, joy and love. I really do. I know time is short, and as I find my sorrow

Elmo is a big hit!

 eases I realize Bobbi and I will be together soon enough. They wait for us, those who’ve gone on before, just beyond…. I’m not in a hurry, of course. I just lost all this weight- I now weigh 207 (that’s 73 pounds lost), plus I saved a bunch of money by switching to GIECO ;-)

Next Tuesday I get my big annual checkup. It’s the first one I’ve looked forward to. I’m really looking for some good numbers. I need them- there’s a big family and I promised Bobbi I take care of them all for her. That’s it.

New Years was never a big deal for me. I now think, more than ever, that each new day is it’s own new year. May the new year find each of you in the arms of those you love. May you all find health, joy and peace.

Peace Y’all. I’ll keep you posted.

Wow. Good thing I remember that kids read this. Otherwise I might be using a lot of “colorful metaphors.” LOL

Well, Christmas day was wonderful- bitter-sweet and joyous. Sometimes it was sad, but the children saved the day. Today, two days later- this is the hard day. It sort of snuck up on my. I was rearranging photo files on my hard drive and found the digital pictures from the last eight years. That was it- I was off to the races. It’s been a while since I sobbed like that. I was filled with sadness and remorse at our loss of Bobbi- a daughter without a mother, and a mother who’s lost a daughter, let alone siblings and friends who lost someone we’ve all depended on for so long. Honestly, most of it is for myself. Who am I now? For 25 years I was “Hugh Bobbi’s husband”. So much of who I am depended on her (in my mind). It was more than that- the loss of a soulmate, a partner…. I remember talking to amputees who feel the itch of a missing limb years later. That’s what it feels like- an amputation. Who am I now? I was just getting good at who I was, now I have to start over….or do I? If  such a large part of me is gone, does that make me less of a person or a man? These are some of the things that run through your thoughts (at least through mine).

Still, it does get better (slowly). The wounds heal (I expect never completely). Bobbi saved the day again- she has given me almost everything I cherish most, including Kim and those wonderful kids. Does Kim know how much I love her? The grandkids do, I think, and maybe the rest of the family does. I hope I won’t make the mistakes I made in the past again, should another opportunity present itself. I wish she were here to talk to. God, I miss her so.

You hug everyone for me. I’ll keep you posted.

Addendum: The spell has passed. Someone once told me guilt is self-indulgent. Maybe it’s simply human. Still, it serves no purpose except to learn from. I am learning. I am still blessed and rich beyond wealth. It is foolish to forget that. I am a fool, but I’m learning.

Thank you all. I’ll keep you posted.

Merry Christmas to you and yours. Last night was a night of hurricane force winds and torrential rain. Very unusual weather for the mountains, especially at Christmas. The snow is gone, as are some of the trees! I was afraid I would miss Christmas with “my kids”, but the road wasn’t bad, just wet. There was a minor miracle. The forecast was for an ice storm. Not only did we not have ice (that would have been a show stopper), but as I came near Kim’s house the clouds parted and there was blue sky! Bobbi leading me to our kids….

We had a wonderful time. Kira was increasingly delighted with each toy until we came to Baby Elmo. That was it, she was smitten. In my madness,  I got Ethan a model roller coaster set. It took hours to assemble, but it came with a video camera in the car. What a blast! You can watch it here- XmasCoaster. It also to a video of Ethan all dressed up- Ethan

I’ll download the pictures a little later.

Blessings, and I’ll keep you posted.

Tonight is Christmas eve. What a day….. very bitter-sweet. Tomorrow I get to spend the day with our kids, but tonight…all day really, I’ve really been missing Bobbi. I was talking to one of her best friends and we sort of set eachother off. We miss you, baby. Well, I’m going to wrap presents! I’ll keep you posted.

It is ten months right this minute (as I begin typing this) since my beloved angel passed out of seeing. One year ago we were discussing radiation treatments when Bobbi’s radiation oncologist diagnosed blood clots in her legs. We spent the rest of the afternoon getting ultrasound (which confirmed them) and then checking into the hospital for treatment. There we found clots in her lungs as well, but we were able to treat them all before a big one let loose. This bought us two more precious months, and saved Christmas for us in the process. She also got to see work on the new siding on the house. These are some of the things I am thinking of on this, the longest night of the year.

I was doing fine until I thought about all this. Heck, maybe I’m still doing fine… as fine as I can do without her here. Yet, I am filled with the feeling that I am blessed, and the knowledge that she did love me (which proves the feeling is right). Time alone has given me time to reflect on the person I was, am and am becoming. I haven’t always liked that person, but I’m liking him better these days. I regret the mistakes I have made, and being human acknowledge that I will likely make more. Please forgive me for any wrong I have done. Still, I am a well loved man and so I feel worthy of redemption in some form. I also take comfort in the words of a beloved elder who once said “I can do more from the other side.” Knowing the blessed souls who are “on the other side” I take comfort that we are well looked after, if we would but know that.

There are other loved ones I am thinking of, including my a close friend who I am waiting to hear about. He may have had open heart surgery yesterday. Being without power can put you out of touch. There are of course others in my thoughts and prayers, as are you all. We’re all on the wheel.

Thanks for reading/listening. Blessings. I’ll keep you posted.

No kidding- we had a foot of snow and now power for two days. The Internet just now started working. Donna’s house and Susan and Greg’s both had even more snow. We had to cancel our Christmas party at Nonnie’s house. I hope her driveway is clear. She (Nonni) is supposed to drive to Charlotte for the holidays.

Tomorrow will begin the eleventh month since Bobbi “made her transition.” One year ago we were fighting blood clots in her leg and hoping to be home for Christmas and not in the hospital. I miss her like crazy, but what a gift her love to me is!What eyes has she given me with which to see! We still have a lot to do together honey. I love you.

Anyway, I’ve been snowbound since Friday. It was a huge weather event for us. Now I have to cram all the rest of my holiday shopping into one day, so I’m going to run along. You are all in my thoughts and prayers, and you bless me by keeping me in yours. Thank you. I’ll keep you posted.

The biggest snow in several years....

Yup, next Friday is the big day. The kids and I didn’t go to the movies last night.

"One gumdrop for me, one for the house. One gumdrop for me...."

 Today (Thursday) they are having their home appraised, so we stayed home and moved furniture upstairs. While mom was doing some touch-up painting Ethan and I made the gingerbread house. It would have gone faster if Ethan wouldn’t have kept eatting the decorations!!! LOL What a guy.

 Last night was their first night in their new bedroom! It took a bit of time to wrestle a “California King” mattress around the corner and up the staircase, but we did it. We got the other bedroom furniture moved up and all settled. Good thing too. It’s supposed to start snowing like crazy tonight. I know it’s not much compared to “up north”, but for us 6 inches is a big deal.

So, maybe tonight the kids and I can go to the movies. If not, maybe later. Tis the season, right? I’m trying to stay in my “hopeful place”. Christmas is a season of miracles, right? That’s what I hold onto. Bobbi is only gone if I forget her, and I’ll never do that.

The kids love their new bedroom. Don't they look excited???

 The best part of her is right her…here in my heart, there in your faces, and in the laughter of my children, maybe children everywhere. Because of Bobbi I have a huge  group of family and friends. I am the richest man I know. May all of you feel the blessings of love and hope this holiday season.

I’ll keep you posted.

PS- this mornings workout included 150 sit-ups and 150 leg-lifts with 150 pounds. Eat your vegies!

…with any luck at all…..

I spent this evening with “my kids” working on their house and playing TopGun (pick the child up and fly him or her around the house, dogfight adults and do landings and take-offs on counter tops). The upstairs is now officially 99% done! The bathroom is a project for this spring, but the two bedrooms are beautiful and ready to move into.

The upstairs is finished!!!.

Baby Kira demands attention. She gets it too!

Thomas is number 1 in line....

Well, we didn’t win, but we did come in 2nd place. A church with a rock band on a flatbed truck won. Still, we did very well and we’re pretty happy about it. The weather hovered around freezing, and it sleeted a little, but all in all it was a blast.

A year ago Bobbi and I were making gingerbread houses for Ethan and Kira. Now I will do that without her beside me. I guess the greatest tragedy of all would be to loose hope. I find that I do have hope, so maybe I am healing as I should. Y’all take care. I’ll keep you posted.

I’m taking your advice and trying to stay busy, and it’s working….  or maybe it’s just the ebb and flow of the grieving process and I’m in an ebb. If it’s an ebb it’s a happy one. I’m thinking about Bobbi a lot, and mostly smiling when I do. Even when I’m crying there’s a smile on my face.

The wind storm aftermath.

Anyway, I am covered up! We had 100mph winds yesterday and the power went on and off four times. It was bad enough at work, but the train…. well, there aren’t hardly enough stakes to hold a tent down in 100mph wind, and our tent was no exception. When I got to “the site” yesterday the train was destroyed and both tents were literally in the trees. We worked like ants and in a couple of hours the tents were more or less repaired and Thomas was being resurrected. By 7pm he was better than before and further along. If there was an angel watching over us I know her name. We even added a video camera and laptop to help steer- think of a “back-Up Cam” on a car, but facing forward. There’s a little black bump on the bottom of the red front bumper. See it? That’s the camera. How cool is that?

Anyway, I gotta run but wanted to bring you up to date. Nonnie is better but Kimmie is sick, so I have to stay away. ARGGG!!! I’m missing “my kids”. I hope they are all better in time for the parade!!! I was going to see if Ethan could ride in the train with me. I’ll keep you posted.