I’m sorry if there haven’t been many posts in the last few days. Actually, I sort of wrote one that was tremendously wrenching only to have it disappear. I’ll try again.

I thought the holidays would be hard and I thought I was ready. I really didn’t have a clue what it would be like. It’s not that I had a bad Thanksgiving- it was wonderful. That’s the problem. I keep looking for Bobbi to share it with…..

It seems everywhere I turn I find her footprints. Of course, there are photos of her everywhere, but it’s more than that. As I try to make sense of this house I keep finding them- a box of tapioca, her catalogs, makeup in the medicine cabinet….. even old love notes. I just found one of those coupons couples make for each other. This one says “This coupon good for one kiss anywhere you like”. I wish I’d redeemed that one in Tahiti.

And yet, even in the midst of this vast chasm of grief there is also great joy. Joy that she loved me, joy that she got to know her grand children, and joy that she knew how very very much I truly loved her. You see, I always knew Bobbi loved me more. Most of our marriage that was probably true, but along the way we learned a secret- you can learn to fall in love again. Bobbi and I did it over and over again until I think the last time I was giving her a run for her money.  There may not be one in a million people with the capacity to love that Bobbi had. To know I was close…well, that’s a hopeful thing, right? Thank you Bobbi for showing me how.

Anyway, my beloved friends and family, I’m sorry I haven’t been able to write much. Sometimes it’s very very hard.  I’ll keep you posted.

Last night (Tuesday) I had dinner with the kids- Kim, Sonexay, Ethan and Kira. Sonny has to work on Thanksgiving Day, so we did it early.

Here’s a note about Sonny. I call him Sonny here because some of you all haven’t met him and don’t hang out with many Laotians. Sonny’s real name is Sonexay (pronounced sun-ji with the last part rhyming with “pie”). Anyway, that’s Kim’s husband’s real name. For simplicity he goes by the nickname “Sonny” and I do also here. I just don’t want anyone to think I can neither spell nor say his name ;-)

Anyway, we had a wonderful dinner, and I cooked it. Kim and I were pretty sad about a big holiday without Bobbi, so I thought it would be good to do something different. I asked them what their favorite food was. Kim said “a really good roast beef” and Sonny said, interestingly enough, he wanted Aunt Mary’s sweet potato casserole. I was thinking king crab or Peking Duck, but this was easier. Anyway, I went to a butcher shop and had them cut a huge standing rib roast (the kind Prime Rib comes from) and talked Aunt Mary into making the casserole. I took it all over there and cooked it. I also made fresh asparagus and my own green beans (steamed with powdered mustard, almond slivers, garlic and onion and butter). A little home-made cranberry dressing (I forgot to get horseradish) and a salad made a huge meal. I even started of with a big jumbo shrimp cocktail. Desert was Bobbi’s favorite  NY Cheesecake flavor Death By Chocolate. Yum.

The kids enjoying the new upstairs room.

We tried to call Nonnie (Bobbi’s mom) in NH but just got her cell answering message. We ate till we burst, and sat at the table for a long time. Kimmy and I cried a little (you can guess why), and it was all in all a beautiful time. I’ll go back this weekend and help finish the upstairs room. It looks great! They’ve really done a great job.

Someone told me the hand of God will never lead you to or through a hardship the grace of God cannot protect you from or help you through. Maybe my life was the hardship and Bobbi was the hand of God. I don’t think it all out “in my head” all the time. A lot of my thoughts happen in my heart- I feel my way through thoughts. Does that make any sense? Ah well. Anyway, that’s what I think and I think I’m coming through. Thank you all, thank you God and thank you Bobbi.

Have a joyous Thanksgiving! I’ll keep you posted.

Yeah, this one is a little rougher.A little after noon today will have been nine months. I guess I was reliving those moments and days a little this morning. One of the things that struck me was how Bobbi always insisted I took a lot of pictures and videos of family gatherings. She wanted for us to be able to look at these memories when we were older. She was afraid we’d miss chances to relive the grandchildren as they grew up. I guess I’m struck by the irony that now I’ll relive memories of Bobbi with the grandkids. Sometimes I’m not a big fan of irony.

Yesterday I got a lot done! I actually got a wild hair and started emptying my “computer office” of trash. Bobbi and I built that thing when we closed our computer business and needed a home office. Now it’s more like a computer haunted house…oooo, scarey. Yesterday I took out eight giant lawn bags of trash! It felt good to finally feel like doing something.

Last night I played and sang at an open mic night at a place in Barnardsville (near Asheville). Everyone seemed to like the show, and that was not bad for the ego.

This morning was a little weepy. I was thinking about Bobbi’s last day. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. I don’t know how other people think, but it almost seems like I process a lot of thoughts at the emotional level- I feel my way through some of my thoughts. I am coming to be at peace with the loss of Bobbi. Of course, she didn’t want to go and I always want her back, but I want her back for me. It was her time, and if she had things to do we will have to do them (and gladly). I know we all miss her. I sure do.

Anyway, that’s the news from here for now. I’ll keep you posted!

Well, I have a full schedule this weekend- parade floats, meals with family, housekeeping, yard work and even a little music. I guess I’m just trying to stay busy. God, I miss her.

Anyway, I’ll go have breakfast with brother Dave and Aunt Mary, then work on our parade float (my office and I) for the Christmas parade. It is going to be wonderful. Bobbi would love it.

Tonight I’m going to go to an “open mic night” in Barnardsville. Wish me luck. I’ll keep you posted.

I’m told that the ninth months is often a milestone in the grieving process. I suppose it is, but it must also then be aone in the healing process. If acceptance is the last stage then I guess I’m coming to terms with my loss.

I am, at times, overwhelmed with a sense of honor and joy at the gift Bobbi gave me when she chose to love me. It is, at last, overwhelming the sense of loss I felt when she died… maybe it was the sorrow of the loss that is overwhelmed. I still feel the loss, but it no longer obscures the joy. Now, instead of grief sneaking up on me and overwhelming me I usually have to seek it out (it’s never hard to find). There are occasions it still does sneak up on me, but now nearly as often. Now I look for it to continue the  healing process. I am reminded that the pain I feel now is mixed with the joy we then felt together and that I still now feel. Like we always said- “that’s the deal”.

In my descent into grief I dropped some of my projects. The patient advocacy project was resolved by finding the Patient Advocate Foundation. I’d like to continue creating a local entity of some kind, but life happens and I haven’t gotten a lot of response from the local doctors and medical professionals I’ve reached out to. I’ve also not kept up work on “the book” of Bobbi’s illness. Still, I am moving forward. I’ve settled down as far as my desperation to move goes. I’d still like to, but the old house and I are no longer at war. I would like to make it the home Bobbi always visualized. The roof is a start, and so is finishing the siding. The kitchen is 98% done… I’m getting there.

Anyway, that’s the news for now. Oh yeah- I bought a guitar. It wasn’t a thing I needed, but my old 12-string is broken and “my music” does make me feel better. It was cheap enough, so what the heck. Come jam with me! I’ll keep you posted.

The new roof!

Hey Y’all!

I just wanted to let you know that Hurricane Ida came through, and even after 4 inches of rain the roof did not leak! Woohoo! Thank you Greg! What a relief…..

Anyway, last night the family and I went out to eat and had a wonderful time at the new Japanese resturant in Sylva. I got to take Kira around to keep her from fussing and she and I had a blast. She really liked the big goldfish!

We also watched the movie UP and had a great time! I hardly cried at all ;-)

Kim, Kira, Ethan and Sonny

I hope you all are well.

I’ve had occasion to think about Bobbi a lot these days. Last night we had cub scouts…. She worked pretty hard to get that cub pack started. Our boy Ethan was there and we had a good time learning about knife safety and use. We even carved a pig out of  a bar of soap! LOL- Bobbi would have loved that.

That’s the thing- Bobbi is a tough act to follow. How could any other person measure up to someone like her? Well, that is a tough one. I suppose it’s natural to increase in memory what someone was in life. I do know we were both completely human (especially me). Still, I know in my bones that Bobbi loved me because of (and sometimes in spite of) who I really am. I’ve had some time to look at myself closely and I have discovered something- I am a pain in the ass! Sheesh!

Ah well, I’ll keep you posted.

I thought I’d post a quick update and let you know how it went.

We Finished!!!!  Well, we finished the main leaky side anyway. I was up and working by 8am. I cleaned up old shingle wrappers, and then I carried up 14 bundles of shingles. I carried them up a step ladder, laid them on the roof, then I distributed them around where we’d need them. Greg got there a little after 9am. I already had a leaf blower up there blowing off leaves and seed pods (dang those maple trees!). We worked really hard, and got finished by 5pm.

As we finished up brothers Steve and Dave came by to help. They were sad to have missed a chance to help, but I consoled them by us all going inside and watching The Blues Brothers! LOL

By the way- my neice and nephews and their parents are on a tropical island adventure (it’s like a 3 hour tour but longer). Check out their adventures at this web site- http://bahamasherewecome.webs.com/

Thanks for checking in. I’ll keep you posted.

I do. Actually, I have a lot of shingles. Here are some pictures of them. How do you like the color? It’s called Dessert Tan. Greg came over and spent the day helping me. It was about as different as can be from the last time we tried to do this. We kept laughing and said we didn’t know how to put on shingles when it’s not snowing. I know a cousin or two with some roofing experience will grimace at the sight of me adding a layer of shingles without taking the original layer off. I know, I know, I hope you don’t disclaim me. I don’t have that kind of ambition or time. Forgive me, okay? At least I went with an “architectural” style instead of the much cheaper “3-tab” variety.

Actually, I’m pretty proud of what we were able to do without better tools or more equipment. The fact I’ve lost 65 pounds is a big help because, at 425 pounds per square of shingles, it means each bundle of shingles I carry up the ladder by myself weights 140 pounds. Wow! That kind of makes me proud! I was afraid I might hurt my back or get too sore to do anything. Well, I’m sore, but I think that’s mostly from being on my knees and going up and down the ladder.

This type of shingles is called “dimensional” because it is multi layered and colored to heighten that appearance. Greg and I were laughing about them. These Owens Corning shingles are called Oak Ridge, and they have a 30 year warranty. Greg joked and said I’d need to replace them when I was in my mid 80s. He did agree to come help me again then. LOL- what a guy.

I think Bobbi would like them very much. She might be a little sad that I didn’t put on a tin roof, but there are so many vents to cut around I was just sure it would leak as bad after I re-roofed as it did before. Maybe not, but I think she’d love how they look. Being a man, I am of course not qualified to select colors that are harmonious together, but I did the best I could. I looked through the catalog until I saw a house with our kind of siding and nearly the same color, then I chose the color shingles that I hoped looked best. What do you think? I hope Bobbi likes it. I figure, from her vantage point, she has a pretty good view.

Okay, time for a little more coffee before I get back to work. Thanks for checking on me. I’ll keep you posted.

Hey y’all!
Thanks for checking in. Yes, it’s been a week. Some bad, mostly good, but still time without my honey. Bobbi’s mom and sister Jill are on their way to New Hampshire (or may be there already!). Bobbi’s sister Sarah, husband Paul and crew of monkeys (Maddie, Adam and Ben) are now on their boat getting ready to take a big adventure! They are cruising the Caribbean for a year! What an education, but be sure to get some jerked chicken in Negril, Jamaica! If y’all go to Nassau or St. Thomas say hello to my friends there!
Anyway, I’m doing okay. I woke up at 5am today and couldn’t sleep, so after 6am I headed to the gym and did 45 minutes in the cardio room. Now I don’t feel guilty for eatting those REESES CUPS I found leftover from Halloween…well, not as guilty anyway ;-)
I am doing better. I can tell because I’m thinking about myself as much as I was- I hurt, I miss Bobbi, I am in pain. I’m thinking about others a lot more. I don’t mean just those of us who miss Bobbi, but others too. I have a particularly “interesting” aunt, and she lost her husband twenty years ago. Maybe she’d be less “interesting” if more people would have shown an interest in her. Maybe she’s lonely too, as I sometimes am. I just miss Bobbi. Anyway, I am better. In an odd way this ache inside is almost a comfort. It had better be, I think I’m going to feel it a long time.
Hug someone every chance you get. I’ll keep you posted.