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Hello all. Sorry, I was a little frantic this week. It was wonderful to see Bobbi’s brother Chris at Kim’s house (and Bobbi’s mom too!). I guess I need to buy a Prius or something so I can go visit people more.

The gang at supper.

Tomorrow is the last day of the month- Halloween. This week I’ve been getting ready for two Halloween parties. Sheesh. Anyway, Casey and Jill and Ro and Hannah and Rob and Liz (sounds like a movie, doesn’t it?) have a big party every year and Bobbi and I loved to attend these. Last year she was not able to attend- yet another disappointment for her. After Bobbi’s memorial Liz came by and dropped of a photo of Bobbi and I at the part from two years ago. We had such a great time and we look so happy in the photo. I think the theme was “Naughty Fairy Tales”, so I was Pimpnocchio and Bobbi was my ho. Don’t get mad at me- Bobbi came up with the idea! LOL. Ah Bobbi Lynn, I miss you so much. We all do.

I guess I’ve really turned some corners this month. Last week I announced to a dear friend “I’m sick of being so sad!” Today I realized that my house is no longer haunted. Nine months- it’s our ninth month without Bobbi. I guess I cried more this last week than in the last month, but it’s been little cries- stealth grief I call it- the kind of crying you can do in a room full of people and nobody notices. It’s just little things- someone talks about how this is the first time we won’t have Bobbi to help with our booth (she helped a little last year from her bed) or we talk about administering drugs to a sick relative and there I go…. It’s nice though. Now I’m looking around the house and it’s no longer malevolent (haunted). It’s just a house…. a little bit messy house, but just a house. It’s also raining like crazy, so I can’t work on the roof today.

Someone told me about Patric Swayze’s wife being on TV and saying that when Patrick starred in Ghost, she thought she would never want to be contacted from beyond the grave like in the movie. But she’s changed her mind. Now Lisa Nemi says “Now I’m like, ‘Please show yourself. I would love to see you.’”LOL- I know exactly what she means. Except for a few dreams, I only felt a visitation from Bobbi the one time. Still, I know she is here with me. I feel like I am a changed person because of her, I hope I am a more kind and caring person and if I am it is because of her. I also think our grand daughter Kira must be very much like Bobbi at that age. I feel she is and Bobbi’s mother says she is. That too is a huge comfort.

Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I’ve been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good 
(from the chorus to For Good from the musical Wicked)

So, y’all, Happy Halloween. Tomorrow night I’ll be SPACE GHOST at our community trick or treat booth, and if I have time before I go to the party I may be a werewolf. If not, well, some startled motorists may see Space Ghost driving through Cherokee! LOL… I’ll keep you posted.

Here’s the post from Monday 10/26/2009-

We had a wonderful weekend here in Cherokee! The hospital fundraiser- the CIHF Gala at the casino was a great success! I had a wonderful time, and I think everyone else did also. There were a few glitches, but now we know what to look out for and next year’s event will be even better.

I guess the most ironic thing was the dancing. I was dancing. It was sort of funny- out of the 200 people attending only 25 or so actually danced, and most of those were women! I was an exception, and I had the strange role-reversal of being asked to dance by six women who were not my date! Oddly, my date (who was beautiful!) was not asked to dance. That’s because the few men who would dance were already dancing. Some of “my women” asked me to go dance with several women who’s dates would not dance. And to think I could not get a date to the prom! LOL.

The funny thing is I can dance because about three years ago I decided to stop being a jerk and take Bobbi dancing. To do this I secretly took dance lessons. Then I took Bobbi to the last two lessons. We had a blast! Not to say I can’t dance- I can. It’s just that my dances were limited to traditional Cherokee dances. I told my date that I was really good at the Beaver Dance….. but she took it the wrong way. I had to demonstrate that it was an actual dance. Anyway, it’s ironic to me that I was a hit at the party because, belatedly, I decided to do something nice for Bobbi a long time ago (and almost too late. Thank you Bobbi. I sure miss you.

Tomorrow, when I go to Kim’s, Bobbi’s mom and brother Chris will be there! I’ll keep you posted.

I’m sorry. I’ve actually been adding updates, but the software that uploads the updates didn’t run. I’m now redoing the last few manually. Here’s the update I tried to upload Friday 10/23/2009.

Yes, I’m trying to be a little more organized and make sure the page is updated more regularly. I do have a confession to make. Death may make you a hypochondriac. I will explain.

I think I have cancer. Before you react to quickly let me elaborate. My mother died of cancer, my wife died of cancer, my uncle Phil died of cancer, my cousin (well, many more than one sadly) died of cancer… my mom had cancer when I was 10, then died of it 25 years later…. I got cancer on my mind. Someone I know (who shall go nameless) did not get treated for ulcers just in case it was actually cancer. So, as some of us get older we get concerned about every ache and pain. My back hurts- it’s bone cancer. My stomach hurts- it’s stomach cancer. I feel a little run down- it’s leukemia. I have a headache- it’s a tumor (“It’s Not A Tumor” in a Kindergarten Cop accent).

Cherokee Warrior dancers at the hospital gala.

So, I had a period where I thought I had a brain tumor. Before Bobbi was diagnosed (and then we found the brain tumor she did in fact have) she complained of ringing in her ears, and then started to get mild headaches. Me- I’ve had tinnitus for a while now (real men don’t use earmuffs…well, real stoopid men don’t). So, when I got a headache…well, you guessed it- it’s a tumor. Well, the headache is gone so maybe I’ll live. I am in fact in better shape than I’ve been in years- I lost 60 pounds, my BP is normal, my diabetes does not exist (fasting blood sugar is 92), and my cholesterol is only 119. Of course, my HDL is only 32- gotta bring that up and that means exercise! Still, all in all I’m good, just some arthritis. Today I shall go to the gym and work out!

So, that’s todays post. This weekend is a busy one. Tomorrow we set up for our hospital foundation gala, and then Saturday is the gala! I’m even going to go dancing! OMG. Anyway, if you see me, just use your best Arnold Shwartzeneger accent to say “It’s Not A Tumor”!!! LOL, I’ll keep you posted.

CIHF Centerpiece

Well, I had an EXCELLENT visit with “my kids”

Kim helps arrange the parts...

last night! Kim and I, with Ethan’s help, made a centerpiece out of a small pumpkin. That was a test model for our Cherokee Indian Hospital Foundation Gala being held this weekend (let me know if you want to buy tickets!). There’s even a live band and dancing!

Then we played our favorite game- Beat Up Poobah! It’s a fun game, and it usually ends up with me on the floor with the kids piled on to of me.

It’s our favorite all time game (next to Light Saber Toilet Paper Tube Fencing). Now that Kira is big enough, she likes to join in. I’m glad, because her old favorite game was Hide Poobah’s Eyeglasses. I’d rather be beat-up than blind! LOL.

Poobah gets a Smack Down!

After supper (turkey burritos) we watched THE PRINCESS BRIDE, which was also Kim’s favorite movie when she was young. Ethan likes it because of the sword fights, even if there were no ninjas or light sabers!

Anyway, that’s the fun stuff. I’ll ke

ep ya posted.

It truly is a beautiful day here in our mountains- sunny and warmer. LOL- I should take the day off and do more shingles! Ah well….

Tonight I go see “the fam”- Kim, Sonny and “my kids” Ethan and Kira. These are special times for me, seeing the little people become bigger. It seems both a slow and a fast process at the same time. One day I’m sure I’ll think it was far too fast a process. What will the world be like for them? My time is soon ending, but their’s is not yet come. Will I be proud of what I leave for them? Well, I think I’ll at least be proud of what I tried to accomplish (and I’m not done yet!).

There is so much to do! I missed Cub Scouts last night- I was just too tired, and fighting a cold. I went home and went to bed! I feel better today…hardly sneezing anyway! LOL. Our poor neice and nephews in Charlotte have the swine flu! I say they go eat pork chops in revenge! LOL. I’m sorry- I am sending hugs to Madi, Adam and Ben. Soon they will begin a huge adventure- 12 months sailing (okay- motoring) the Caribean! I hope they keep us posted!

I’m still slowly story-boarding the video documentary I want to do (an eco-canoe trip from the rez to the sea). I was thinking of selling sponsorships- $100 gets you so many miles in the canoe with me…. sort of an associate producer status. Ah well, there’s so very much to so. I’ll keep you posted!

Oh Yes- Happy Birthday to all my loved ones with birthdays this month! You know who you are.

Yeah, life goes on.

It’s kind of funny… this was the first weekend it wasn’t suppose to rain in a long time, so I planned to redo my roof. It rained. Heck- it, rained, sleeted and snowed!  LOL. Oh well.

Bobbi’s brother Greg came over and we made a good start of it anyway. Yesterday it rained off and on till after lunch, and it was cold. Finally, the rain stopped at lunch and we got some shingles on. It went a little slow- the nail gun jammed a lot, but I guess we got two squares before we had to run to LOWES for some materials. Here’s a tip- BOSTICH roofing nails work better than any other brand in a coil roofing nail gun. Then, at 5pm, we cleaned up and went to Maggie Valley to have supper with Greg’s wife Susan and Bobbi’s mom. After supper I went to the “big” LOWES in Waynesville to buy more shingles. There the ones I wanted were special order AND cost $5 more a bundle, so I went back to the store in Sylva. All the while the temperature was near freezing and it was raining and sleeting and blowing snow. I got three more “squares” worth of shingles and made it home wondering if it really was ever going to snow. It did.

This morning dawned clear and cold. There was ice and snow everywhere, especially on the roof! It was also windy, and the ice on the roof made especially interesting. I guess we got another square on the roof before deciding the cold was damaging the shingles as we installed them and we called it a day. Well, it’s a start. The shingles I chose are “architectural”, that is to say a much nicer pattern (therefore costing much more). I explained to Greg that I assume his sister has a somewhat more elevated view of the world (I said this pointing up), and since she really wanted a nice metal roof she might be appeased with a pretty shingled one instead. This made him chuckle, and though he agreed she would like them he said we’d need to be especially careful when we installed them. “If she’s looking down on us” says he “she’ll see us if we make a mistake.” We were especially careful, I assure you.

So- life goes on. omeone once said “living well is the best revenge”. I always liked that. In my case, I am trying to honor Bobbi, so I’d like to live well. I’m still, at times, grieving, but I am at least living. I’ve started cleaning the house again, and cleaning up the yard. I figure to get the “living” bit down, then work on the “well” bit. I am, mostly living well I think, and I am truly grateful for that. I am often amazed by what grace I live. So, dear ones, life does go on and I can rejoice in each new day. That is not a bad start at living well I think. I’ll keep you posted.

I am having what is becoming a blessedly much rarer event- a day of sorrow.  I am actually rejoicing in the love that was Bobbi Lynn Livengood Lambert, but along with that joy is also the pain of loss.

One year ago today we learned that, sadly, there was but one outcome for our story. We discovered her cancer had spread to her spine. They were causing her left foot paralysis and starting to interfer with her breathing. For a long time I kicked myself and told myself the last brain surgery to install the shunt to directly administer chemo drugs to her spine instead of doing lumbar punctures was senseless, but I think I was wrong. If we hadn’t done that she would have suffocated. The chemo port kept her spinal tumors in check until some other cancer finally took her. Well, that’s a sort of a comfort to me.

Last week I went to our tribal fall festival, and my uncle Roy urged me not to sell the house and move away. He urged me basically to suck-it-up and deal with it. That’s good advice I suppose….. in fact I know it is. There is something troubling about this house. I’d almost rather sleep in my truck. It’s almost like part of my brain turns off when I pull into the driveway. Still, I know that, with time, things change and, with luck, we get better. I know I am healing. Anyway, I’m not doing anything until twelve months has passed. I want to, but I’ll wait. This is my road- my row to hoe. I have to suck it up and do it. The weeping will bring a release, and with time a healing.

John and Paul keep running through my head. I’m not much of a BEATLES fan, but this one resonates. I’ll keep you posted.

In My Life

There are places I’ll remember
All my life though some have changed
Some forever not for better
Some have gone and some remain
All these places have their moments
With lovers and friends I still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life I’ve loved them all

But of all these friends and lovers
There is no one compares with you
And these memories lose their meaning
When I think of love as something new
Though I know I’ll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I’ll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more

Though I know I’ll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I’ll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more
In my life I love you more

I’m sorry I’ve been quiet. Sometimes it’s very hard to write anything here. I’ve started this post about four times…. well, five is my lucky number (or was it seven?).

I was thinking about the “little deaths” I feel like people experience throughout life, and I thought that implies we must also experience “little births” as well. Things like graduation, a new love, marriage, the birth of a child, a religious experience or epiphany, special events or awards- all these things would qualify. I remember that each time I held a new grandchild I felt like a different person afterwards. I suppose that, after the death of a loved one for example, that “little death” could lead to a “little birth” as well. I think Bobbi gave me many little births, and continues to do so. I know I felt pretty dead inside from February until that morning in July in an Idaho dormitory bathroom when I awakened to find Bobbi alive in my heart. I don’t feel like the man who went to sleep the night before (assuming I ever did sleep!). I always said Bobbi raised one daughter and one husband……..

We had a wonderful supper with Uncle Chip (Bobbi’s siter Jill’s husband) who was passing through. I also had a delightful time with Kimmie and the kids this Tuesday. I’ve always felt my self most fortunate when it comes to my family and my friends. The gifts Bobbi gave me still remain, as does the grace I find I live in. Then again, grace is also defined as “a disposition to kindness and compassion or an act of kindness or favor rendered by one who need not do so”. Yes, that’s Bobbi exactly, except I think Bobbi really needed to perform her acts of kindness. She will always be the very best part of me. I miss you Bobbi.

Peace. I’ll keep you posted.

PS- I haven’t heard from my friend Kevin, but I’ll try to get an update on his wife (see post In A New York Minute).

One year ago we had just come home from Duke Medical Center after our two weeks there. I guess that was when I was really sure we weren’t going to win that fight. Now it’s eight months without Bobbi, and yet she is always here, somewhere. I can’t shop for food, drive my truck or look out a windows without thinking about her. I guess the good news is I’m usually smiling when I do think of her. The sense of loss is there, but also, like hearing a favorite song in your head, the memory of her colors what I see as I look out on the world. Other people affect my view also, but mostly it’s Bobbi. This is our song, this is what we like to eat, it’s time for our favorite TV show…. look honey how big the grand kids are growing.

And so life does go on. Sometimes I wonder if we don’t experience our own death from time to time in a small way. These :little deaths” mark some turning point of realization as we (hopefully) grow and mature. Like when childhood ends or some great change happens. I think of myself as having died a couple of  times this last year, at least the “old Hugh” did. Once in February and again in the dormitory bathroom in Idaho in July….. It felt like that. I don’t know if I was really very alive after Bobbi died, but in Pocatello at 4am when I looked in the mirror and saw Bobbi looking back, well…. I think I did start to live again. It’s why I like to say when my heart died Bobbi gave me hers.

So I go on with Bobbi inside me looking out with me through my eyes. I know that, soon enough, I’ll join those I love who wait for me on the other side. In the mean time it’s time to live like they’d want me to, love like they showed me how, and be the self they always believed I could be. I miss them all, especially Bobbi.

Be well. I’ll keep you posted.