Happy Fall Y’all.

I’m glad I don’t get sick often. I’d like to think that’s from clean living….. I’m down to 222 pounds, but I’m having trouble getting below that. We’ll see. My cold is much better, but lingering. I feel like my brain is 80% back (assuming it was all there to start with of course!). I’m slowly getting my act back together.

As I’m able to think I suddenly realized all the myriad things I have to be grateful for, even a dead wife. Let me explain. Of course I should say a wife who, even though she is no longer here, loved me like nobody else. We shared a love that was Homeric, and our battle with cancer was epic, and though she did not survive it she knew (as I had because of her) that the person she loved would do everything in his power to show her love and protect her with every ounce of his strength. That’s an amazing thing. I think of this because I realized how many people I know who, though their spouse lives, are stuck in terrible situations. Loveless at best, predatory or abusive at worst, I know of many marriages that leave me concerned for friends I love. Bobbi and I had 25 years together and I cherish all of that time, even the part with cancer. That’s what I think is most tragic- not that Bobbi died, but that my marriage, even with a spouse who passed away, is better than some marriages I know where everyone lives. Is that an odd thing to think? Maybe it’s the sudafed.

Lately the house hasn’t seemed quite so…..well, I don’t know- empty of course….maybe malevolent is a better word. I know it’s all due to where my mind is at. I’d like to think I’m doing better, and so the house is less aggitating. I have been working on it. Not anything sexy like the siding, but mostly the leaky roof and the furnace. I’m even working on our bedroom again. Here’s the great news- I found something from Bobbi.

Bobbi always kept a journal, but sometimes she’d jot notes down on any handy peice of paper- a piece of gift wrap, book jacket, and even on an envelope that bills come in. That is my gift to you today. I found some note from Bobbi to all of us! I’m going to close now as soon as I write them for us here. Pray for people in troubled marriages please. Here’s our gift from my beloved Bobbi:

Nothing defines a life like friends and family.
How short a time we have! Spread the love.
Happiness will travel like water ringletts.

To all my family and friends:
Take this moment to realize-
this is all the time we have, NOW!
These are the treasures of life,
a fleeting hug and a kiss.
XOXOX
I love you all so much!
Bobbi

And so begins the eighth months without Bobbi…..

One year ago we were at Duke and Bobbi was getting ready for the first of several surgeries to try to save her ear. On hindsight…..well, you know. However, they were giving us hope at the time, and we were together.

It’s very hard sometimes to be without her. Most times I am comforted by the experiences we shared and the love I still feel. Sometimes, though, it does become very hard. I am awash if not overcome by sadness, but this too soon passes. Soon comfort returns, and pride also. Bobbi loved and loves me, as I truly loved and love her. We walked through a lake of fire together. I only wish she emerged with me. Maybe she did, and I am still in it. It’s all perspective in the end, isn’t it?

Anyway, it’s now the eighth month without Bobbi. Life indeed goes on. I’m sorry I haven’t posted much lately. I’ve had a wicked cold, but am better now. I hope you all are well. Thanks for checking in. I’ll keep you posted.

Omnes una manet nox- The same night awaits us all (Horace)

I had an unusual phone call today. A very old friend of Bobbi’s and mine called to check on us. He hadn’t heard. I did try to call him and his wife, but I had an old phone number. Bobbi has the current info in her address book, but we can’t find it anywhere.  Anyway, I wasn’t able to invite them to the memorial, and when he asked how Bobbi was I told him. Ah well…..

Of course I think of the last few years often. I miss Bobbi terribly, we all do. Still, I count my blessings. I have loved and been loved by the greatest lady. Hundred of wonderful people showed she and I incredible acts of love and kindness. Bobbi gave me her family and I gave her mine, and in the process I have a daughter and grandchildren I adore. I love and am loved. Ultimately, we all know the same night waits for us all, but in the mean time there is work to be done. By the grace of God I am a very rich man. There’s an “Open Mic” night at a little place in Asheville tomorrow night. I was planning to go play, but I think I’d rather go to Kim’s and play with my kids. Maybe next week!

It’s raining like crazy her in Cherokee. It has been for a week. Last weekend my fishing was litteraly a washout, but I got in a lot of reading. I’ve started the new Pat Conroy book SOUTH OF BROAD. I’ll let you know how it is. Thanks for checking on me. I’ll keep you posted.

I had dinner with Nonnie last night. Nonnie is the family name for Bobbi’s mother Donna. We ate at a new resturant in Sylva called TOKYO (pretty good). I invited Kim and the kids to join us, but they had to go to a birthday party. Too bad. Everyone has been waiting for this place to open. I guess it’s been under construction-being remodel for six months. It was worth the wait.

It’s always a joy for me to set together with Bobbi’s mom, and this time was no different. What was different was I realized that I couldn’t really talk about Bobbi, not in any serious sort of way. It’s still too hard for her, as it is for Kim. I guess it was the first time that we didn’t end up crying through the whole meal. This time I made an effort to keep it light, so we talked about her plans to travel a lot in the next few months.

We talked about our housing situations. Nonnie is actually delighted to live where she is- next door to where she and Gale (Bobbi’s dad) lived. It is beautiful, and has the bonus of being a building she and her husband built 20 years ago. We also talked about me. Right now I’m trying to focus on fixing this house, but I’m still looking for another place to live. We talked about balancing out the desire to be close to Kim and the kids with the want to stay close to Cherokee…. well, I’ll get the roof and siding finished and see what’s what.

I came home to this empty house. It’s not a bad house, and most of the memories are happy, and a few are joyous. Still, it is hard for me to be here. It’s familiar, but not exactly comfortable. I guess I just miss Bobbi. A year ago we were dealing with Bobbi’s ear infection. We’d gotten out of the hospital in Sylva and I was finishing up giving her the IV antibiotics. “Pushing” those IVs let us stay at home. “We” were just detecting a new pain, and in hindsight I guess it was the new tumors in her head and spine. In a week we would be at Duke for that epic two week stay.  How afraid she must have been, and how incredibly brave she was! I’m so proud of her, and of us. Yeah, I miss her all right.

This weekend I’m going fishing. It’s part of my new plan- one weekend working on the house, one weekend off fishing somewhere. I’m trying to see if I can focus better when I am home. It’s hard to get anything done right now. Will that change, I wonder? I think the Navahos have the right idea. Other tribes too- burn the sucker down and move. The idea is not without appeal, but somewhat impractical. LOL. Anyway, I hope the weather is nice. I have new rocket-tip line on my fly rod. Look out trout! I’ll keep you posted.

Tonight I went to Kim’s house. I didn’t work on the upstairs, I just played with the kids, talked to Kim, had supper and watched The Water Horse with them. Kira was very affectionate, and Ethan was also (more than usual). It was truly charming- I was charmed. It occurred to me that this is yet another of Bobbi’s gifts to me, her gift of love, and that love keeps on giving to me.

Kim is such a good mother, and those kids are so great. I am so proud of all of them. I know I can never be all that Bobbi could be for them, but I am finding that I do have a place with them and I can perhaps be as good for them as they are for me. Heck- I know I can. I have Bobbi in my heart.

Everyone around me remains so caring and supportive. In a week it will have been seven months since Bobbi passed away (or however we chose to express that). I had a long talk with Bobbi tonight (as I often do during each day). I mostly wanted to thank her for the life we have had and the life we will have. I know that every day will be a testimony of my love for her and her love for me, as it should be. Thank God for Bobbi Lynn. I’ll keep you posted.

“You’d better take a fool’s advice, take care of your own, because one day they’re here, the next day they’re gone…” New York Minute- Don Henly

Greetings to all. I am very well. However, I just spoke to one of my oldest friends Kevin.We went to college together, but lost touch when Bobbi got sick. He didn’t know Bobbi died till he ran into another friend last week at the post office. He called last week and we played phone tag till I caught him at home tonight. He had a heck of a tale to tell. This is why the Don Henly quote at the beginning, and this one- “You’d better take a fools advice and take care of your own. The wolf is always at the door.”

 His wife did not feel well for the last week, and had a doctors appointment this afternoon. Instead of waiting till this afternoon he wanted to surprise her by coming home at lunch to take her in early. He found her having a grand mal seizure. It turns out she had been seizing for about two hours. She’s now in intensive care, and there is a chance she has permanent brain damage (assuming she lives the night).

Now, my friend could have taken off of work even earlier than he did and taken his wife to her doctors hours early and insisted she been seen before everyone else who had an appointment before her. Of course to do this, he’d need to have been a phsycic. Of course, he’s not. That will not stop him from blaming himself for what happened. By the way, this happened because their regular doctor lost his office in a landlord-tennant dispute, and they couldn’t find another doctor in their HMO network. This led to an interuption in care for a painful back condition. Anyway, if you think the idea of health care reform is a socialist concept you can call myself or my friend Kevin.Okay, enough ranting. Sorry about that….no, maybe not.

How are you? I had a great weekend. I helped brother Dave put a roof on his shed, I mowed the lawn and I weedeatted (weedate?). I also took Sunday off and did basically nothing (laundry, cooked, redid my office). It was better than a vacation- cheaper too!

Tonight I helped the cub pack get going. Specifically, I helped the older cub scouts (Weblos) with their meeting. In the process I had to go through boxes of supplies Bobbi had gotten together when she started the cub pack. Matt came into the scout room and found me weeping on the floor, my hand in cub scout manuals and craft supplies. This would all be a lot easier if Bobbi was still here. God, how I miss her. Kevin isn’t the only one who wishes he was a phsycic. I’ll keep you posted.

Finally…. I was afraid there was something wrong with me, but I’m weeping now, thank God. Isn’t that an odd thing to be grateful for? I have actually been feeling quite well, and yet in the back of my mind I wondered. I guess I haven’t really wept since the middle of July, during that darkest time in Idaho. It’s been joyous since then, but I thought there ought to be more emotions to release. I really expected it yesterday while I was out celeb

rating our anniversary. No,it was tonight, and over the most insignificant of things- lightbulbs.

Tonight I said goodbye for now to “my boys” in the cout troop. When I got home I started putting some new energy efficient flourecent light bulbs in the deer antler chandelere I made for Bobbi, and turned to ask her if they stuck up out of the globes too far. That was it, I was weeping. Not bad, not wracking sobs, just steady tears and even a little smile on my face. I really miss her, you know? I’m proud to cry, and proud to have been part of her life, and proud to carry on the things we started. I’m sure leaving the scout troop was part of it. Part of it was going through photos to make banners and such for this blog. Mostly I just miss Bobbi so much.

Anyway, I’m afraid she would not like the new bulbs, but they use 85% less electricity. Sorry honey. This weekend I’ll work on the house, then Sunday I’ll go into Asheville to visit friends, and maybe take in a movie. I’d love to go fishing again. Bobbi and I loved the Toe River. She’s the only wife I know who encouraged her husband to fish more- “bring me home some pretty rocks for the garden” she’d say. Okay, honey, you got it.

Anyway, I feel better now. Thanks for listening. I’ll keep you posted.

Today begins my 26th year with Bobbi in my life. I guess it actually started around Valentines day- that’s when we first met…. She hired me to deliver singing telegrams. Some of you don’t know that. It took ten minutes to apply for the job and be interviewed…….. and yet we talked for three hours. Before we knew it the day was over. She told me it was the clown nose I wore that got her attention. Our instant rapport got mine, and I went home and told my mother I’d met the woman I was going to marry. Thank you Bobbi. I love you.

Yesterday was a good day. It might not have been, but Bobbi’s love for me and the love of others, and my love for her of course kept me from feeling too sad. Instead I rejoice! I am the richest man I know- I am blessed with family and friends who love me, and I have the will to carry on. Not just carry on, but to look forward to the new day. The bad days may come from time to time, but the good days will also. I have been blessed, and I have a lot to give back.

We love you Bobbi. I love you, Bobbi. Thank you for your faith in me.

Today, twenty five years ago, Bobbi and I (and Kimmy too) got married in Asheville in my grandfather’s back yard. What a good run we had! I miss her so much! I called Kim, Bobbi’s mom Donna and Bobbi’s sister and had a little quiet time remembering the day with them. Tonight I guess I’ll go home, make a quiet meal, then sit on our porch and remember that great and beautiful lady who saved my life and gave me her heart…. and gave me back mine in return.

Last year we spent the evening in the ER dealing with a Tylenol overdose (thanks to the hospital). We didn’t even get a chance to celebrate it then. Tonight we will. I know my beloved Bobbi is and will be with me tonight and always. It is a comfort and a blessing- one of the many for which I am grateful.

This could have been a terrible day for me. Instead, because of the love of others it is a wonderful day, one for which I am very grateful. When one door closes another opens, and when I go through the door Bobbi will go with me. Happy Anniversary, Bobbi Lynn Lambert. I love you.

Sorry about the delay posting this, I went out of town for the holiday weekend. I had a very nice weekend; wonderful in fact. I went fishing near Celo, NC Sunday on one of my favorite rivers- the Toe River. Actually, it was fly fishing and I took a friend…. a lady friend, and I taught her to fly fish.

On Labor Day I went to the Folk Art Center near Asheville to see my friend Michael Hughey (did I spell it right Michael???? LOL) who was demonstrating there. Michael is a gifted calligrapher as well as being an accomplished artists. We had a great visit. Y’all go there and buy some stuff- these are very hard times for artists (and everyone else).

Yesterday I had a wonderful visit with Bobbi’s mother, sister Jill, brother Greg and his wife Susan and with Kim and the kids. We had a wonderful meal together. Today I went to Kim’s after work and spent several hours working on her upstairs bedrooms. I have pictures of both outings, and I’ll post them when I get a chance. Kim and I talked about my plans to move, and we talked about them at length. I had been considering moving closer to Kim, but staying in Cherokee. I think Kim would rather have me closer than that. Ah well, I need to fix this house up first, and that’s the plan for the coming weekend. Once I get the house done I can start planning/tinking in ernest. In the meantime, there is a lot to do! I’ll keep you posted.